Jewish World Review July 1, 2011 / 29 Sivan, 5771
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
http://www.JewishWorldReview.com | North Korea ordered all their college students to leave school for ten months to work on farms Tuesday. It solves two problems. North Korean students can help feed their country by taking a ten-month hiatus from college, and it'll give the U.S. a chance to catch up academically.
Bill Clinton hosted his annual Clinton Global Initiative in Chicago Wednesday. Worldwide business and political leaders put their focused attention on creating jobs in America. Ten trumpet players and a bass kettle drummer got work the first day, just for Bill Clinton's walk-on.
President Obama held a White House press conference Wednesday where he denounced Republicans for not raising taxes. He's wearing a look of pending disaster. If the Germans named a passenger blimp after President Obama it could restore the good name of Hindenburg.
President Obama ripped Congress for slow budget work Wednesday, saying his daughters Sasha and Malia do their homework. The girls have it easier than Congress does. Sasha and Malia won't have to work with numbers this large until they sue their husband for half of the Los Angeles Dodgers.
President Obama accused the GOP of wanting to cut the Weather Service and food inspections. That'd save us. The way the U.S. government protects us from tornadoes and E. coli now we should just keep getting hit until those who survived develop an immunity to roof collapse and tainted beef.
JFK Airport in New York had lengthy delays Wednesday when turtles invaded the airport runways. They came crawling out of the neighboring wetlands. All airport operations came to a halt after a Southwest Airlines pilot got on the radio and said that the turtles were fat and ugly.
New York's Pierre Hotel began giving its hotel maids self-defense classes taught by karate instructors. Great idea. If an international banker tries to rape them in the room again they will know how to hit him where it hurts, by calling a broker and starting a run on Greek bonds.
Chicago tour buses began doing big business giving tours of Chicago's gangster past. They show you the speakeasies, Al Capone's house and the site of the massacre on St. Valentine's Day. It's a celebration of criminality that climaxes with a tour of the Illinois governor's mansion.
Mexico's drug violence escalated between cops and drug dealers in Tijuana Tuesday. The cops were shown grabbing street corner dealers and knocking out their teeth. With gold at fifteen hundred an ounce, not everyone has the patience to stand in the river and shake a pan.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements. Comment by clicking here.
© 2009, Argus Hamilton