Jewish World Review July 28, 2010 / 17 Menachem-Av, 5770
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
North Korea threatened a nuclear attack on the United States Sunday. There was a sigh of relief from the unemployed from coast to coast. They turned to the guy on the street corner holding up the sign that says The End is Near and high-fived him.
Tour de France winner Floyd Landis told ABC Friday he saw Lance Armstrong take steroids. This bicycle race is a big deal in Europe. Every year they roll through France in nineteen days attempting to break the German Army's record of eighteen days.
Alabama coach Nick Saban ripped sports agents who give cash to college players and likened agents to pimps. It's unfair to pimps. They both sell bodies, but the difference is the pimp stands ouside the door to make sure the client doesn't get hit.
The San Diego Chargers were denied a new stadium Friday prompting the team to vow to move to Los Angeles. They'll blend right in. If the players remove the padding from their helmets for a few games they'll sound like they've lived in L.A. all their lives.
Tori Spelling said Friday she was visited by Farrah Fawcett's ghost at a seance conducted by a medium recently. The claim isn't unusual. Twenty-eight percent of Americans believe they can communicate with the dead, the rest switched back to AT&T.
The L.A. subway system celebrates its twentieth birthday this week. There's a reason it never caught on in Los Angeles. It asks illegal immigrants to get in a car that goes underground and to trust they'll still be in the United States when it comes up again.
Al Gore was loudly cheered at the Jackson Day Dinner in Nashville last week in his first public appearance in a month. He's really been enjoying life since he got out of politics. It was inevitable that he would eventually be prosecuted for it.
Nancy Pelosi spoke to liberal bloggers at the Netroots Convention in Las Vegas Saturday. She can't get away from work. When she walked through the casino, all the losers demanded a bailout while all the winners hid their cash in their underwear.
The Weather Channel reported a brutal heat wave on the Eastern Seaboard Friday making life miserable in the cities. Meteorologists say it's the hottest summer in history. It was so hot in Washington D.C. that Charlie Rangel was sticking to his story.
The SEC gave a million dollar reward to a Wall Street whistleblower who helped bust a broker for insider trading. We've adopted the East German economic model. The only way to make real money in America is to sell out your friends to the authorities.
President Obama will celebrate his birthday next week in Chicago. He'll charge thirty thousand dollars a person. The Democrats have asked Obama's Chicago friends to please remove the cash from the freezer three days before handing it to the doorman.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements. Comment by clicking here.
© 2009, Argus Hamilton