Jewish World Review July 27, 2010 / 16 Menachem-Av, 5770
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
North Korea's Kim Jong Il threatened to attack U.S. troops if the U.S. doesn't end sanctions. He's such a child. For his last birthday Iran gave him chemical weapons but you could tell by the look on his face when he opened it that he already has some.
L.A. sheriffs began investigating Mel Gibson's Russian ladyfriend for extorting him over the racist rants she taped. It's very obvious on the tapes she's setting him up. Her acting is so lousy she was just awarded a Razzie Award for Domestic Abuse.
Washington D.C. fired two hundred teachers Friday for incompetence. Student test scores still show promise. These kids don't know the first thing about U.S. history but they can tell you how many grams there are in an ounce faster then Stephen Hawking.
Mad Men's lead character Don Draper was voted the world's most influential man in Ask Men's online poll. The 1960s ad executive drinks a lot, smokes, sleeps around, and has a great job with benefits. The year's hottest Christmas gift is a time machine.
L.A. Dodgers owners Frank and Jamie McCourt's divorce trial was set to begin this month with both parties low on cash. The uncertainty is starting to affect team play. Last night two Dodger runners held up at third base until their checks cleared.
Pete Rose auctioned off the baseball bat he used to get his final base hit for one hundred and sixty-eight thousand dollars Thursday. Don't think today's players didn't notice. The New York Yankees bat boy now insists on being addressed as curator.
The Defense Department revealed Friday that Pentagon officials used defense super-computers to download child pornography. They've obviously been blackmailed for U.S. military secrets. We are just lucky al-Qaeda is using our laser technology to remove body hair.
Congressman Charlie Rangel was cited by the House Ethics Committee Thursday for numerous charges. Investigators stalked him for two years. No one wants to say he's a dead duck but last week he covered himself in oil and stretched out on a gulf beach.
The Treasury Department announced Friday it will auction millions of shares of Citigroup stock which the U.S. government acquired in the bailout. The first stock sale was very lucrative for the government. The Treasury Department made so much money on the sale they just hired a lawyer to figure out a way around the capital gains tax.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements. Comment by clicking here.
© 2009, Argus Hamilton