Jewish World Review July 23, 2010 / 12 Menachem-Av, 5770
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
Lindsay Lohan went to jail Tuesday for violating the terms of her probation. She blew off her alcohol classes and tested positive on her ankle monitor. Joe Biden's been going around calling this the Summer of Recovery and he'd like to be right just once.
L.A. sheriffs investigated Mel Gibson Tuesday to see if he chipped the front tooth of his Russian girlfriend. It won't end. His racist and sexist rants are getting so much airplay on the radio that people are starting to dance to them at hip-hop clubs.
Tiger Woods and Kobe Bryant tied for first place in a poll asking Americans to name their favorite athlete. It appears that sexual misconduct makes a sports star more popular and marketable. LeBron James has just hired Al Gore to be his life coach.
Great Britain's Prime Minister David Cameron was a hit speaking to White House tourists Tuesday. He said he loves America and everything it's done for the world. So there are some differences he has with President Obama which can never be bridged.
President Obama thanked the Senate for extending unemployment benefits to jobless Americans. He was sincere. He's grateful that members of his administration won't have to go on food stamps between the time they're fired and the time they're rehired.
The White House forced a black Agriculture Department employee to resign Tuesday over racism charges although she was clearly innocent. It's another historic first for President Obama. He could be the first Democratic president to lose England, Israel and the black vote.
The Statue of Liberty in New York was evacuated Wednesday when an alarm went off falsely indicating the presence of smoke. It was misinterpreted. The alarm in the Statue of Liberty goes off whenever President Obama signs a law taking over something.
President Obama signed the Financial Reform Bill into law Wednesday. He looked relieved when he signed it. An amendment was slipped into the bill at the last second saying that anyone who's too big to fail is automatically re-elected president.
House Minority leader John Boehner warned fellow GOP congressmen to keep their distance from female lobbyists as elections approach. There are campaign laws to consider. If they're selling their votes for sex they can't sell their votes for cash.
The Energy Department announced a crackdown on luxury showerheads that exceed government standards. This is how Democrats think. Only the wealthy can afford high pressure showerheads and they have enough money without striking oil in the bathroom.
The American Petroleum Institute said that oil companies will pool one billion dollars to form a company to respond to oil spills. They're trying to improve their image. The money will finance a study that shows that solar energy causes skin cancer.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements. Comment by clicking here.
© 2009, Argus Hamilton