Jewish World Review July 16, 2010 / 5 Menachem-Av, 5770
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
Lance Armstrong was cheered in the Tour de France Tuesday by fans who were thankful he survived his recent health scare. He's almost certain to go into politics. Lance Armstrong could be the first politician ever to have a testicular problem propel him in to Congress rather than out of Congress.
The U.S. Court of Appeals stuck down the FCC ban on profanity on the air Tuesday which had kept Hollywood stars in check. This should relax everybody. Mel Gibson can stop worrying about his looks because he's about to become a talk radio phenomenon.
The NAACP proposed that Michael Jackson's Neverland Ranch be made into a California park. Roman Polanski can't believe he sold his mansion in Hollywood. He could have held onto the house and the state would have turned it into a shrine to his love life.
Kentucky Fried Chicken said Wednesday that fried chicken is so popular in China they're opening a new KFC there every day. Capitalism's finally taken hold there. They've come to accept the idea of birds covered in oil as the cost of doing business.
BP hastened to seal the gushing oil pipe Wednesday as the locals upped the pressure. They claim the spill has affected the migratory pattern of birds. People who park their cars outside have been noticing that the birds are pretty angry lately.
Alabama and Florida beach businesses launched a PR campaign Wednesday slamming the White House for making the oil spill sound worse than it is. Local merchants are livid. They're so mad at the Obama administration they're ready to secede from the Union, but that might be a ploy to sell Confederate flag key chains in the gift shops.
President Obama used the phrase radical Islam for the first time Tuesday after al-Qaeda staged an attack in Uganda. The terrorists bombed soccer fans as they were watching the World Cup. It's not fair play to attack people while they're asleep.
Bill Clinton came to the White House Wednesday to counsel President Obama on how to placate an angry business community. He reassured the president that as soon as he loses the House, capitalism will come back to him. It's like riding a bicycle.
President Obama attended the groundbreaking of a new factory in Michigan which will make lithium batteries Thursday. He enjoyed it. Presidents love to attend new American factory openings, but usually they don't have time to fly to Vietnam and back.
Newt Gingrich said Tuesday he's serious about running for president. Opposition researchers have a lot of videotape of him chatting intimately with beautiful blondes. He should have been much more careful about how often he appears on Fox News.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements. Comment by clicking here.
© 2009, Argus Hamilton