Jewish World Review July 12, 2010 / 1 Menachem-Av, 5770
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
The Weather Channel showed triple-digit heat for the third straight day on the Eastern Seaboard Wednesday. The misery index soared. It was so hot in Washington D.C. that Al Gore sexually assaulted the woman he hired to fan him on his massage table.
Lindsay Lohan got ninety days in jail in Beverly Hills for violating her drunk-driving probation. She will be behind bars for only three weeks because the jails are so full. Australia started out as a prison colony but California has evolved into one.
Lindsay Lohan was ordered Tuesday to begin her ninety-day jail sentence in ten days. No one will miss her. Anytime you want to see Lindsay Lohan all you have to do is turn on Fox News and one of her stunt doubles is sitting behind the anchor desk.
The Justice Department filed a suit over Arizona's immigration law Tuesday. They had no choice. The Arizona law has legal precedent, public support and common sense on its side, but if we're only going to have rational laws the Democrats are finished.
President Obama avoided confirmation hearings with a recess appointment of Dr. Don Berwick to head Medicare and Medicaid Tuesday. The doctor favors rationing care for old people and the poor. It was so brave of Robert Byrd to be his first volunteer.
Bill Clinton excused Robert Byrd's Ku Klux Klan activity in his funeral eulogy saying it's what poor men did to get elected in West Virginia. Bob never forgot his past. He returned to Wheeling every year to cut the ribbon at the January white sales.
President Nixon was revealed in declassified papers Thursday to have considered the nuclear bombing of North Korea forty years ago, which would have wiped North Korea off the map. How ferocious was Richard Nixon? It was Dick Cheney who talked him out of it.
President Obama toured the Smith Electric Vehicle plant located in Kansas City Thursday and he predicted future success. It's every politician's role to pretend that one day Americans will drive electric cars. Drama critics call it Suzuki Theater.
Senator Harry Reid's campaign in Nevada was boosted by television ads paid for by the pharmaceutical industry. They all helped out. It's the biggest listing of drugmakers in one place since the toxicology report on Michael Jackson was made public.
Iran's High Court sentenced an Iranian woman Tuesday to be stoned to death for adultery. That's why half of Iran has moved to Beverly Hills. In Iran people commit adultery and get stoned while in Beverly Hills people get stoned add commit adultery.
The Justice Department refused to prosecute Black Panthers who were caught on tape intimidating white voters in Philly, freeing any paramilitary group to patrol polling places. Soon every polling place will be a stand-off between the Black Panthers and Klansmen. It's piracy to perform Mel Brooks movies without his permission.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements. Comment by clicking here.
© 2009, Argus Hamilton