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Jewish World Review July 15, 2009 / 23 Tamuz 5769 Ch-ch-ch-changes By Celia Rivenbark http://www.JewishWorldReview.com | I know that Oprah and some of her pretend-doctors like Dr. Suzanne Somers love to lecture about the yummy life-affirming coolness that is menopause but I'd like to respectfully disagree. OK, what I'd really like to do is bash their skulls like ripe melons when they talk like that but that just sounds, somehow, a tad harsh. O, now famously going through "the change" her own self, likes to talk about the wisdom of menopause (say what?) with usual-suspect pals — Oz and heck, probably even Orman ("night sweats are no sweat, my little sweet patootie!"). Me? I'd rather spend my time fashioning crafts using Bernie Madoff's ear hair than hear how this is the most "passionate, creative and satisfying time of your life." I'm just saying. I'm technically what they call peri-menopausal, which means that you only think about killing your husband three to four times a day. Kidding! I meant three to four times an hour. When you're flat-out menopausal, I'm told these dark thoughts disappear, leaving just a general "peevishness." Oh, I WISH somebody would tell me that I was acting "peevish." Go ahead. Make my day. While I'm delighted (OK, not really) that O is making the most of her insomnia, memory loss, night sweats, fatigue and memory loss (ha!) by enlisting the experts' help, most of us don't have famous menopause guru Dr. Christiane Northrup as a BFF so we must settle for our friends. Who, if you must know, leave a lot to be desired lately. The problem is that if you want to talk menopausal symptoms, your women-friends will just try to out-symptom you. Me: "I feel like I'm going nuts. I have these little electric current hot flashes, feels like somebody's tazing me, about 12 times a day." BFF: "Oh, yeah? At least that's better than forgetting everything. The other day, I left my kid at the dry cleaners and took my husband's shirts to see "Up." Me: "CAN'T I JUST COMPLAIN ONE TIME WITHOUT YOU TRYING TO ONE-UP ME?" BFF: "Shut up!" Me: "YOU shut up! (Cue wild mood swing out of no bleepin' where). I'm sorry. You're the best friend I've ever had. PLEASE DON'T LEAVE ME!" BFF: "OK, so that's not needy at all." Gawd, I really hate her. No I don't. Yes I do. No I don't … C2 Dr. Northrup and probably Dr. Somers like to yak about how menopause is a time when you're at the top of your game, professionally speaking. It's supposed to be the most productive and resourceful time of your working life. G-d, I hate this job. I mean, seriously, sitting around writing poo jokes all day for a bunch of unappreciative strangers? Oops. Did I just write that out loud? I didn't mean it. Yes I did. No I didn't… Every weekday JewishWorldReview.com publishes what many in the media and Washington consider "must-reading". Sign up for the daily JWR update. It's free. Just click here. Celia Rivenbark is an award-winning news reporter and freelance columnist for The Sun News in Myrtle Beach, S.C. Comment by clicking here. Getting refreshment not berry smooth in age of mass marketing Reality show lowers her IQ to sub-dirt levels Cuddle parties are the latest weird trend Middle school is a whole new game and these players are vicious If the first lady can dig in the dirt, why can't I? Somehow, we've all lost our internal censors Not to rub it in, Barbie, but you're old Some things you probably don't need to know about your friends Big family, big ratings, big mess Fred Mertz for vice president Women and tools are like grease, water Runners are a different breed of folk altogether Don't get all bento out of shape For you, Princess? I'll buy junk Gwyneth P. needs big ol' reality check Reality show amuses yet repels viewer Spying on kid at summer camp awfully fulfilling Stars? Great outdoors? I don't think so Honesty in the name of fashion Perfect attendance award is for little, viral losers Trendy new ailment not for everybody What is wrong with the women today who marry insanely rich and talented men and then think they still have to cook? Shagadelic on the dance floor Ex-boyfriends can have the worst timing Little wonder many voters are confused Sound bites not easy in Southern I swear it's not my fault Celebrity news gets weirder, trumps all else Driver's license? Outta my way while I get `em Like taking Miley Cyrus tickets from a baby Driving under the influence of celebrity Hugged your Webkinz today? Hate mail spawned by humor columns ‘High School Musical’ rocks to the max! Where did latest ‘syndrome’ come from? Tell the truth, folks, we all love Paris' trauma and drama Tell the truth, folks, we all love Paris' trauma and drama Office gossip is protected free speech First-class corpse Song lyrics have only gotten dumber Talk to the clock because the ISP doesn't care Being a happy human vessel has its limits Who's not your daddy? Phoning for dazzlers Proper spelling begins at home Sick of the waiting room Road signs Halt your motion toward the lotion Sudoku's got my husband's number One short stack of smarts, please Spa me the kids IRS wants us to like it so much that it smacks of desperation Uniforms: Soul-sucking sameness Girls' pajama parties a little different now Welcome back for guilt-free manly man A big boo-hoo for disgraced celebs Girls' pajama parties a little different now When Bubbas and hoes are extra welcome Ageless icons can't escape their ages Gifts to kids' teachers make competitive moms antsy Kid bumper stickers sure not ‘terrific’ © 2007, The Sun News Distributed by Knight Ridder/Tribune Information Services

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