Jewish World Review July 31, 2009 / 10 Menachem-Av 5769
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
President Obama held a truce parley between the black professor and the Boston cop Thursday. None of the three were willing to apologize. They couldn't agree on anything until Obama finally persuaded them to issue a joint statement blaming Israel.
Barack Obama discussed the arrest with the cop and the professor Thursday. All three feel a little guilty. The professor berated the cop, the president said the cop acted stupidly, and the cop is leading Mitt Romney in New Hampshire by ten points.
The White House researched the ancestry of Sergeant Crowley and Professor Gates Wednesday and found they both descend from the same fourth-century Irish warlord. Homeland Security is way out of control. Now you're not allowed in the White House until they have done a background check on you all the way back to the fourth century.
The Hollywood Wax Museum opened Tuesday where customers were encouraged to hug and kiss their favorite stars. The figures are incredibly true-to-life. They're made out of the same wax, plastic and silicone that real celebrities are made out of.
Hillary Clinton vowed Sunday the U.S. will apply harsh economic pressure on Iran to restrict their nuclear plans. We must be careful. If we slap a food embargo on Iran, the Iranian people won't be fat enough to be considered an enemy of health care reform.
President Obama flew to Raleigh on Wednesday to push health care reform before a crowd in North Carolina. The town hall meeting was just an excuse to go there. As an observant smoker he's required to make a pilgrimage to tobacco country once a year.
Congress considered a health care bill provision Tuesday which bans primetime commercials for sex pills on TV. Great idea. Kids should be allowed to enjoy the magic of childhood without wondering why adults need a pill to help them run up stairs.
Buick withdrew as a sponsor of the PGA Tour Tuesday after twenty-five years of being the official car of the PGA. The timing is terrible. Now that Tiger Woods has a wife and two kids and really needs a Buick, he's stuck driving around in a Maserati.
Joe Biden called Russia a fading power due to shrinking population Sunday. The solution is to swap Mexico for Azerbaijan. It'd give Russia lots of population and America a country on our southern border that would get the border fence fully funded.
Congress considered a two hundred percent tax hike on liquor Monday. They also want to tax sugary drinks and high-fat foods and snacks. If we could just figure out a way to tax sex we could get back some of the salary we're paying these
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements. Comment by clicking here.
© 2009, Argus Hamilton