Jewish World Review July 28, 2009 / 7 Menachem-Av 5769
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
President Obama invited the Boston cop and the professor to the White House to settle things over a beer Friday. It made things worse. After he suggested that they can solve everything over a drink the Irish accused the president of ethnic profiling.
President Obama inserted himself into a comedy of errors Wednesday in a dispute between civil rights and law and order. It involved the president, a policeman and a professor. They're Ginger and Mary Ann away from having a series that'll run forever.
President Obama was ripped Friday when he apologized to the cop and backed the black professor. What an ambush. When he promised to rise above racial divisions, he forgot everyone has shoulder-fired anti-aircraft missiles and can reach him anyway.
President Obama will vacation next month on Martha's Vineyard at a Mississippi timber magnate's estate where President Clinton and Hillary used to stay. It's very exclusive. It's only rented to people who failed to reform health care.
St. Louis Cardinal Matt Holliday led the team to a win in Philly hours after he was traded from Oakland to St. Louis on Friday. The A's were in New York, and rather than endure airport security and wait for a flight, he disregarded his safety and took a commuter train. He hadn't even met his new teammates and already he was willing to die for them.
Spain opened bullfighting season Thursday, drawing bullfighting fans and animal rights activists to Madrid. Blood sports are under increasing scrutiny. Hundreds of people were trampled on the streets of Atlanta Friday during the Running of the Banks.
Michael Jackson's hair strands kept by his Pepsi commercial producer were sold to a synthetic gem company Friday and will be crushed into two-carat diamonds. The choice wasn't difficult. You can clone him from the hair and wait years for him to learn how to dance, or you can crush the hair into diamonds and get the cash immediately.
Japanese scientists unveiled a robot Saturday that can pitch and hit a baseball at Major League levels. It doesn't bode well. If all our heroes are replaced by robots it means that when a governor says he's hiking in the Appalachians, he really will be.
Jupiter was hit by a giant meteor the size of the planet Mars last week. A meteor once hit Earth, killing all the dinosaurs in the Middle East, who decomposed over ten million years into giant oil deposits. Israel is so sorry it had a no-pets policy.
Palestinian resistance leader Abu Aita sued Sasha Baron Cohen for tricking him into being interviewed in Bruno. A suicide bomber instructor is suing a comedian for defamation of character. Once the people start laughing at you, they don't feel suicidal anymore.
U.S. Marines seized tons of poppy seeds in Afghanistan Wednesday, then bombed the seed bins. The decision was made to destroy the only thriving part of the economy. The poppy farmers made an awful mistake when they came out against health care reform.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements. Comment by clicking here.
© 2009, Argus Hamilton