Jewish World Review July 23, 2009 / 2 Menachem-Av 5769
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
Jupiter was hit by an asteroid the size of Earth Tuesday, leaving a huge crater in the planet's polar surface. The hole spread rapidly. Al Gore's head is spinning trying to figure out just how a planet can be destroyed without any Republicans on it.
The Justice Department ended its LAPD consent decree Monday, which began with the Rodney King beating. He's sober now. Of all the people who stand up in AA meetings and describe the damage their drinking caused, he's the only one with network news footage.
Southern Democrats resisted parts of the health care bill Tuesday, fearing it will kill private health insurance, socialize medicine, deny expensive treatments and bankrupt the Treasury. The Republicans have a health care plan of their own. They want to train the starters at golf courses to recognize the early signs of skin cancer.
President Obama held yet another primetime press conference at the White House Wednesday, where he pushed for his health care proposal. The polls don't look good for the measure. It is dying the death of a dog, only this time Michael Vick has an alibi.
President Obama's approval fell to fifty-five percent in the Gallup Poll. His predecessor's rating was fifty-six percent at this point. He's fallen below President Bush's mark at six months in office, and he hasn't even invaded the wrong country yet.
Congress discontinued using incandescent light bulbs in the U.S. Capitol Monday in favor of those energy-saving squiggly fluorescent bulbs. When these light bulbs get smashed in trash bins, it's like an explosion in science class. The bulbs leak so much mercury into the ground water that doctors can now take your temperature with a trout.
President Obama refused Senate pleas Friday to tax company-paid health benefits to pay for health care reform. This leaves only tax hikes. If health care reform was any more dead the Jackson family would be pushing it around Los Angeles in a gold box.
French tennis star Richard Gasquet convinced tennis's tribunal that the only reason he tested positive for cocaine was that he kissed a girl in a club. It's all too common. Alex Rodriguez didn't really take steroids, he got it from kissing the mirror.
Madonna's stage collapsed in Marseilles on Thursday right before she arrived for a concert. You can bet that it wasn't her mistake. When your act includes a number where you're crucified on a giant cross, you make sure the carpenter is a union guy with seniority.
NASA admitted Friday that they erased the videotapes of Neil Armstrong's first steps on the moon. It happened during the Seventies. Richard Nixon ordered all the tapes erased and just his luck, they missed the ones he was really concerned about.
Episcopal bishops voted to allow the blessing of same-sex unions just a day after they okayed gay bishops. It didn't end there. Clergy must now enter the sanctuary dressed as either a fireman, a cop, an Indian chief or a construction worker.
General Motors executive Bob Lutz complained Tuesday that GM no longer hires hot-looking blondes to be auto show models. He's had enough. He's tired of having to beg Fox News to do live remotes from the trade show floor just to get some beautiful women next to his cars.
The Sears Tower in Chicago was renamed Willis Tower on Thursday. Only the sign changes. Locals still call Cellular Field Comiskey Park, they still call Macy's Marshall Field's, and they will still call the Willis Tower the next place they strike.
Judge Sonia Sotomayor told the U.S. Senate her favorite show growing up was Perry Mason. He got a different client off for murder every week. It was also O.J. Simpson's favorite show growing up, proving that no one can predict the influence of a TV show.
Michael Jackson has sold nine million CDs since his death. That's what a week of free TV coverage will do for you. Somewhere in paradise Princess Diana is kicking herself for not marketing a line of perfume and jeans before she got in the limousine.
Michael Jackson's death was investigated as a possible murder by the L.A. police Friday. They are looking at the cardiologist who administered the fatal dose of anesthesia. Homicide charges are unlikely, but date rape cannot be entirely ruled out.
California officials said Friday they could raise a billion and a half dollars in revenue if marijuana is legalized and taxed. This could start something. If they legalize cocaine they could balance the budget from the revenue they'd make from speeding tickets and the money they'd save from nobody living past the age of sixty.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements. Comment by clicking here.
© 2009, Argus Hamilton