Jewish World Review July 17, 2009 / 25 Tamuz 5769
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
Judge Sonia Sotomayor insisted under questioning by Senate Republicans Tuesday that she'll strictly interpret the Constitution. So the liberals were right. If you interrogate someone with these techniques, they'll tell you anything you want to hear.
Senator Dick Durbin defended Sonia Sotomayor Tuesday saying white males aren't genetically sympathetic to minorities like her. However, everyone has warm feelings for Puerto Rico. Nine out of ten Americans will admit their first drink had rum in it.
The White House began running TV ads in states represented in the U.S. Senate by moderate Democrats Wednesday to pressure them into voting for the president's health care plan. No one knows how much it would cost because the government can't say no to anybody. Under national health care, John Wayne Bobbitt would get severance pay.
President Obama displayed an effeminate pitching form when he threw the first pitch at the All-Star Game. He held the baseball with three fingers and threw it with a relaxed wrist. The Liberace Museum just bid ten thousand dollars for that ball.
GOP Governor Mark Sanford went on vacation with his wife Jenny Wednesday. Just three weeks ago his infidelity was world news and now no one can remember his name. He's the only Christian in South Carolina who can say he was saved by Michael Jackson.
Debbie Rowe was reported by the New York Post Tuesday to have sold her rights to Michael Jackson's kids to his mother for four million dollars. She previously sold her rights to them for eight million and four million. Everyone wants granite counters in their kitchen and some people have a knack for finding a way to pay for it.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements. Comment by clicking here.
© 2009, Argus Hamilton