Jewish World Review July 16, 2009 / 24 Tamuz 5769
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
St. Louis hosted the All-Star Game Tuesday with President Obama there. Security was tight. They used facial recognition software to keep lawbreakers from entering the ballpark, but since smoking is not a crime yet President Obama was able to get in.
President Obama was joined on-camera Tuesday by Jimmy Carter, George Bush, Bill Clinton and George W. Bush in a pre-game tribute. The five of them in one sequence made quite a sight. World Series of Poker analysts said if they were cards, you'd fold.
Judge Sonia Sotomayor was grilled by Senate Republicans Tuesday for saying wise Latinas make better judges than white men. They should toast her nomination. White men are now a minority for the first time since the landing at Jamestown and we are gong to need a liberal activist judge to protect us from the twenty-first century.
President Obama's Teleprompter fell over and crashed Monday during his speech in Washington D.C. Glass shattered all over the floor in mid-speech. Now he's under tremendous pressure from the unions to retrain autoworkers to become cue card holders.
The Washington Post said Monday that White House staffers work from six in the morning to ten at night seven days a week to push the president's agenda. That's perfect. Where else but in America could our first black president be a slave-driver?
Michael Jackson's life insurers refused to pay his twenty million dollar policy Tuesday. They say his drug use amounted to suicide, which isn't covered. Joe Jackson just promised to whip all his surviving children until one of them confesses to murder.
Joe Jackson began pushing his family Monday to get Michael's three kids to form the Jackson Three. The only thing that outweighs the horribleness of this idea is its financial possibilities. Satan just called Joe Jackson to concede the election.
Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince opened, in which he duels Lord Voldemort and Malfoy and Lestrange. The series teaches British and American kids a centuries-old lesson. Love comes and love goes, but people with French names are out to kill you.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements. Comment by clicking here.
© 2009, Argus Hamilton