Jewish World Review July 13, 2009 / 20 Tamuz 5769
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
Las Vegas was reported Thursday offering astoundingly low hotel room rates due to the recession. Sixty hotels are offering rooms for twenty dollars a night. If this had happened two years ago, O.J. Simpson could have been arrested at a much nicer hotel.
Tennessee Titan legend Steve McNair was was buried in Nashville Thursday. It's an old story. While cheating on his wife, he was shot and killed in his sleep by one of the two women he was seeing, or as it's called in Washington D.C., natural causes.
Michael Jackson's family petitioned Santa Barbara County Thursday to allow the late superstar to be buried at Neverland Ranch. That would be fitting. Neverland Ranch is the only wildlife refuge that has both a petting zoo and a heavy petting zoo.
The Los Angeles Coroner subpoenaed all medical records from Michael Jackson's doctors Friday. Police found Percocet, Demerol, Oxycontin, Propofol, Diprivan and an IV stand in his home. He may have died due to a bad reaction to food and water.
Motown founder Barry Gordy allowed Michael Jackson's body to be stored in his Forest Lawn crypt temporarily. He rests in a row of ornate crypts between Bette Davis and Liberace. He died as he lived, unable to qualify for a mortgage and stuck in a rental.
The Pentagon was asked by military health officials Tuesday to ban all tobacco use by all U.S. military personnel. Great idea. We could save free enterprise if we make the commander-in-chief choose between smoking a cigarette and staying in office.
President Obama was caught by a photographer on Thursday admiring the rear end of a pretty junior delegate to the G-8 Summit. They have a lot in common. She's Brazilian, and by coincidence that's how much he wants to spend on universal health care.
The U.S. government released a report Thursday saying that twenty-six percent of Americans are fully obese. You can see it at any airport. The only thing that's keeping the economy going is people buying larger sizes every three months at WalMart.
North Korea was suspected Tuesday of cyber-attacking the White House computer networks by launching what computer technicians call a denial of service attack. North Korea is in major trouble. Denny's had to pay a huge settlement for denial of service.
President Obama apologized in Italy for America's failure to reduce our carbon dioxide output. If only Americans were willing to sit in the dark and starve, we'd be more like the Third World and less like Imperial Britain from which we were born. So far, the competition to host his presidential library is between Ethiopia and Syria.
Barack Obama made news Thursday by praising Italy's figurehead president for his personal morality. It was a dig at Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi who's a bon vivant wine-loving billionaire and a womanizer. You can't imagine the fun a politician can have in a country where men go to confession every morning and get to start fresh.
Every weekday JewishWorldReview.com publishes what many in the media and Washington consider "must-reading". Sign up for the daily JWR update. It's free. Just click here.
JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements. Comment by clicking here.
© 2009, Argus Hamilton