Jewish World Review July 2, 2009 / 10 Tamuz 5769
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
President Obama declared he's ninety-five percent cured of smoking but wouldn't say when he last smoked. This is the difference between his generation and the last one. He can admit that he used cocaine but he's got to lie about smoking.
Chris Brown was sentenced to probation in Los Angeles Monday for beating Rihanna. He's also agreed to perform fourteen hundred hours of agricultural labor in Virginia. His attorney promised him that the Emancipation Proclamation would get him released early.
The National Archives released tapes of Richard Nixon's Oval Office tapes last week. In one tape he urged GOP Chairman George H.W. Bush to recruit beautiful GOP women to be the face of the party. President Nixon will go down in history as the Father of Fox News.
Bill Clinton agreed to speak at the World Healthcare Innovation and Technology Congress in November. Meanwhile, Hillary rushed back to work after having surgery to fix her broken elbow. There's always some member of that family with some body part in a sling.
Mel Brooks will bring The Thousand-Year-Old Man to Broadway next year. It's an interview with a guy who's lived ten centuries. If men can live to be a thousand, Bernie Madoff will be getting out of jail just about the time the economy turns around.
Los Angeles Dodgers star Manny Ramirez returns to the game Friday after his suspension for testing positive for female fertility drugs. He's on schedule. After fifty days he has developed an uncontrollable craving for Dodger Dogs with pickles and ice cream.
Michael Jackson's father Joe Jackson went on the BET Awards and announced he's searching for the next Michael. People in Hollywood were aghast. The first rule of show business is you have to wait three days before you cash in on a dead relative.
Michael Jackson's doctor hired a lawyer Monday to protect him from allegations concerning his actions at the death scene. The doctor did everything he could to save him. He even refused the singer's last request to take him to Children's Hospital.
South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford admitted Tuesday he crossed the line with other women beside the Argentine. Busy boy. When he said his state didn't need the stimulus package he should have specified he was talking about the state of his pants.
American Airlines suffered a bird strike on a passenger liner while landing in New York Tuesday. There's a lot of angry terrorists out there. It's becoming more apparent by the day that Osama bin Laden has outsourced their jobs to Canadian geese.
President Obama congratulated Iraq on its sovereignty Tuesday at a White House event. He seemed clearly happy. The president made these remarks while speaking to a national organization of nonprofit groups, formerly known as the Big Three automakers.
President Obama expressed anger Tuesday over the Honduras coup which overthrew the Marxist, putting a U.S. president on the same side as Castro, Chavez and Ortega. It has to be a misunderstanding. The best guess is, his aides asked him to bail out a banana republic, and Barack Obama just assumed they were talking about the retailer.
Mexico police working with police dogs provided by the DEA seized five tons of cocaine Tuesday at Cabo San Lucas. It was a huge haul. The cops knew they had some thing when the dog started sniffing the bales and then sat down and wrote a rock song.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements. Comment by clicking here.
© 2009, Argus Hamilton