Jewish World Review July 1, 2009 / 9 Tamuz 5769
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
Wall Street con artist Bernie Madoff went to prison for life on Monday. He took money from new investors to pay old investors while investing none of it and skimming from the middle. His job in prison will be running the Social Security Administration.
Michael Jackson's autopsy was extended by L.A. coroners Friday. His doctors said he was on Vicodin, Paxil, Zoloft, Dilaudid, Xanax and Demerol. It's not possible he has gone to a better world, the best he could hope for would be a lateral transfer.
Michael Jackson's kids were the subject of court papers filed Monday. This is sure to set a legal precedent for guardianship of offspring from donor eggs and sperm. It's going to be a long drawn-out legal process before Pyrex gets custody of the children.
House Banking Chairman Barney Frank said Tuesday he'd like to spend TARP money to bail out California. It's bad. The state is twenty-four billion dollars over budget, and nobody believes the governor's assurance that we'll make it all back on DVD sales.
The White House revealed Monday that President Obama will vacation on Martha's Vineyard. His arrival on the island should cause quite a stir among the old New England families there. Until now their idea of a person of color was George Hamilton.
General Motors reported great sales news Monday that GM's new Camaro is in huge demand. Buyers are paying three thousand dollars over sticker for the fast, high-powered sports car. Now that V-8 engines are against the law, everybody wants one.
Honduran generals staged a military coup and overthrew the country's socialist president, who was trying to cancel elections and rule by decree. There's a dispute in the State Department over whether to call it a coup. The generals told the guy to take a hike, so now everyone thinks he's seeing Mark Sanford's girlfriend in Argentina.
Michelle Obama was reported Thursday to be badgering the West Wing for more power and influence as a policymaker. The next day she gave California a hundred million dollars for community health centers. It's cheaper than flying her to Paris for dinner.
President Obama proposed new energy saving standards for lamps and light bulbs Monday. He wants low wattage. He'll never get it through Congress unless he slips it inside the health care bill as a way to make everyone look younger without surgery.
Senator James Inhofe cited EPA scientist Alan Carlin's new report Monday saying that global warming is not a crisis and that there's no reason to regulate carbon dioxide. The U.S. senator said the cap-and-trade climate bill is dead on arrival in the Senate. Their last chance of selling it to the American people just died with Billy Mays.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements. Comment by clicking here.
© 2009, Argus Hamilton