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Jewish World Review
You Choose
By
Rabbi Binyomin Ginsberg
It's increasingly more common for parents to become so concerned about the rights of children that they allow their sons and daughters to be harmed
Advice from a seasoned educator and avowed traditionalist
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After touring the school, the prospective parents expressed how
enthusiastic they were with what they observed. What I was
sure was to be followed by a request for an application turned out to
be something that took me by surprise.
"We will now go home and discuss the choices and options with our son and we will get back to you."
What astonished me was the fact that the child was entering
kindergarten. Yes! Parents were having a 5-year-old make such a
monumental decision!
This attitude is representative of an aspect of today's society that
believes it is healthy and important for children to make their own
choices. These parents are so concerned about the rights of children
that they allow their children to possibly be harmed in the process.
Little do they realize the dangers ahead!
I also believe that it is healthy for children to make choices. However,
I differ with the types of choices that children should be allowed
and be asked to make. This article will address several guidelines we
can follow of what kinds of choices our children are to make and how
to set the stage for our children to make good choices.
Enabling our child to make the correct choices is quite a challenge.
Parents must know when to make the decision for the child and when
to allow a child to make his own decision and then live with the
consequences of a possible poor choice. There is a distant difference
between a parent who allows the child to make too many choices and
a parent who doesn't allow the child to make any choices at all.
One of the most important tools parents should give their child is
the skill of how to make good decisions. That can only be learned with
practice. However, we must present children with appropriate choices
with which to practice. While learning, mistakes will be made. The
child will look to the parent for reassurance that his choice is good.
Give the child choices that won't have a dramatic negative result if a
wrong choice is made.
The child who comes to the parent to make ALL of the decisions
lacks self-confidence. That is a signal to parents to allow or even
require the child to experiment with choices. Parents must realize that
not allowing the child to make ANY choices is detrimental. A controlling
parent is laying the groundwork for increasing the chances of
raising a rebellious child.
Everyone, even babies, want some control in their lives. An infant
knows the effects of a smile or friendly gesture to an adult. That infant
also knows that crying can bring certain results. The child cries and
the parent draws near with a different object in each hand. Without
saying anything, the parent can ask the child which object he wants.
The child can make a choice without any verbal communication by
pointing to or taking hold of the desired item.
In deciding whether or not to allow your child to make a choice,
focus on the goal. If the goal is a parent spending time with a child,
provide the child with a choice of either dad reading a story to you or
playing Legos with you. These are both acceptable and support
the goal of spending time together.
When providing a child with an opportunity to make choices, it is
critical that the child be provided with adequate information to make
that choice. While it is healthy to allow some choices to be made by
the child, too much choosing and in the wrong areas can be disadvantageous. It may cause confusion and the child may lose confidence
in his ability to make choices. For example, giving a child the choice
to do homework or play a game is setting the child up for failure. The
child is not equipped to deal with the temptation. Helping the child
develop a list of pros and cons for choices helps the child make good
decisions.
Before giving our children the opportunity for making choices, it is
advisable to show how we, as adults, make choices. Discussing several
appropriate choices you have been faced with and explaining the process
by which you arrived at a decision, is a marvelous tool.
In introducing children to making choices, it is best to limit the
number of options from which to choose. For example, if you would
like to give your child a choice as to what clothes to wear, it is best to
just give the child two or three options. Opening the closet and offering
the child to choose from the entire display can be too overwhelming.
As much as our present-day culture indicates that children wish to
make choices, I found strong evidence to the contrary in my school.
As I researched this issue, I offered children a chance to make some
choices. The overwhelming majority of the children put the choice
back in my court. Children look to adults for guidance. Limiting the
number of choices and offering quality options help the child be successful
in the decision-making process.
While the parents should make most important choices, involving
the child with the decision-making process in some manner is vital
for the successful acceptance of the choice made by the parents.
On many occasions I have been asked for specific guidelines on
what choices children of certain ages should be able encouraged
allowed to make.
In making sure that we raise each child according to his needs
it is really impossible to set all the guidelines. While in most situations,
a child of high-school age should have input as to which high
school to attend, there are exceptions. Determining which choices
children should make really requires us to first know the child and
the strengths and weaknesses of the child.
An important skill that we must teach our children is how to deal with the outcome of a poor choice. If there are negative consequences,
it is usually best to allow the child to suffer the consequence and the
parent should not cover up or handle the consequence. Making wrong
choices and learning from them is a critical step in the process of
maturing.
Although parents may say — and believe — that they are allowing
their child free choice, they may often (sometimes inadvertently) send
the child subtle signals via body language, word choice, and facial
expressions that influence the child's decision. Children are very sensitive
to the non-verbal messages they receive and a child may submerge
his true wishes in order to please his parents. Parents must be
careful to avoid such manipulative behavior, since it may negatively
impact the emotional growth of the child. At times, children become
so dependent on the approval of their parents that later in life they are
unable to make important decisions independently.
In summary, there is no clear and definitive guideline that tells
us which choices to allow children to make and when to allow them
choices. It is ultimately the parents' call to determine which decisions
the child should be allowed to make. As in all parenting issues, praying
to the Almighty for the right His assistance is effective.
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