Jewish World Review July 29, 2008 / 26 Tamuz 5768
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
China said Monday that Islamic militants have made threats against the Olympic games in Beijing. They said they have tight control over security. Under China's strict one-child policy, the U.S. Olympic basketball team will not be permitted to date.
Mick Jagger officially became a senior citizen Saturday when the Rolling Stones singer turned sixty-five years old in New York. It was just what you would expect. Everyone who did drugs at the birthday party got hit with a twenty-five dollar co-pay.
Jay Leno inched closer Tuesday to signing with ABC after he leaves the Tonight Show next year. His joke output every night is superhuman. Jay Leno has the same nickname among workaholics that Richard Pryor used to have among cokeheads, Fearless Leader.
Barack Obama met with economic advisors in Washington to plot policy. He just returned from the Middle East and Europe. While Barack Obama was in London he decided to bypass the election and ask the Queen's permission to form a government.
Barack Obama continued his tour of the Middle East and Europe Wednesday where he posed for pictures of himself with world leaders, pictures of himself with the troops, and pictures of himself in foreign capitals. The worst is yet to come. Is there anything in the world more aggravating than someone just back from vacation?
Barack Obama visited Jordan on his Mideast tour on Monday. Television coverage was very limited. Ever since that New Yorker cartoon depicted him as a Muslim and his wife as a terrorist, Arab television is only allowed to show him from the waist up.
London's World News was found liable for slandering billionaire Max Mosely. They dressed hookers like German soldiers to spank him on hidden camera. If John McCain is really that tired of Barack Obama getting all the TV airtime, there's always a solution.
Hillary Clinton's campaign began selling office computers and furniture Friday to start paying off her twenty-million-dollar campaign debt. That explains why she agreed to give speeches for Obama. She gets a million a week, but she has to mean it.
John Edwards was caught by the National Enquirer at the Beverly Hilton Monday seeing his mistress and their infant love child. So that's it. All last year when he campaigned against premature withdrawal everybody assumed he was talking about Iraq.
The New York Yankees banned sunblock from Yankee Stadium Sunday, angering their fans. It was to prevent terrorists from bringing in liquid explosives. They reversed the policy the next day when they realized they were imploding the stadium in November anyway.
Christian Bale's mother filed assault charges against him in London Sunday while he was attending The Dark Knight's premiere. She worked for years as a circus clown. Hell hath no fury like a circus clown who doesn't get the role of the Joker as promised.
Aaron Spelling's widow Candy Spelling purchased a penthouse condo in Century City Tuesday for forty-seven million dollars. She's moving out of her eighty million dollar home. So it's not just Ed McMahon who's suffering out here during this downturn.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in
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© 2007, Argus Hamilton