Jewish World Review July 28, 2008 / 25 Tamuz 5768
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
The Green Bay Packers said Brett Favre will report to the team's training camp Sunday. It will be taped for a reality show. Brett Favre is going to compete with Barack Obama in a series of challenges to determine which one of them is the Second Coming.
The Princeton Review issued its annual list of Top Ten Party Schools on Friday with West Virginia finishing in first place on the nationwide list. It wasn't fair at all. People with stills always have an advantage during times of economic collapse.
Rudy Giuliani's son Andrew sued Duke University because the golf coach cut him from the team and refused to reinstate him. His teammates said he was disruptive and rude and arrogant. His father is so proud of him that he put him back in the will.
Kelsey Grammer on Thursday discussed the heart attack he suffered while swimming in the ocean last month after hearing that his sitcom got canceled. He's out of work, but he's alive. Network executives and sharks find Baby Boomers too tough and gristly.
The Food and Drug Administration on Friday blamed this year's salmonella outbreak on fresh jalapenos imported from Mexico. These free-trade agreements turned out to be fair after all. They've got us exchanging worthless dollars for poisoned produce.
Barack Obama wrote a prayer to God which he placed in Jerusalem's Wailing Wall last week. The prayer note was retrieved by a seminary student and published in an Israeli newspaper. Everybody in Israel wanted to know if it was addressed, Dear Dad.
Barack Obama stopped in Paris Friday to meet with the French president, Nicolas Sarkozy. It went very well. He got excellent advice from John Kerry, who told him under no circumstances should he allow himself to be photographed with the Eiffel Tower.
Barack Obama gave a speech to a huge outdoor crowd in Berlin Thursday. There's a reason they were nice to him. They are very superstitious in Germany and when they heard he's killed a witch they wanted to elect him president of the Black Forest.
A Chicago suburb banned pants that sag more than three inches below the waist Friday. May it stop there. If politicians were banned from wearing their pants any higher than their approval rating the U.S. Congress would boast more moons than Jupiter.
Albany College researchers issued a warning about cell phone use Tuesday. They said cell phones can cause brain damage. If you are a woman related to Christian Bale and the hotel room's big enough to let him take a full wind-up, they can be fatal.
Batman's Christian Bale was accused by his mother and sister of assault Sunday in London. The movie's target audience are boys who hate their sisters and mothers. Studio publicity used to be an exercise in glamour but nowadays it's an exact science.
New York Yankees executives held meetings at the team's spring training facility Thursday. They discussed signing Barry Bonds for the stretch drive to fill in for injured sluggers. The other night, Alex Rodriguez pulled a hamstring in a number with Madonna.
NASA's former astronaut Edgar Mitchell claimed Tuesday the U.S. has covered up its contact with space aliens. It's what everybody suspected. It's why Barack Obama got such weird looks when he landed in Berlin and addressed the audience as People of the World.
Barack Obama addressed two hundred thousand people at Berlin's Victory Column Thursday. He failed to receive the thunderous, rousing cheering reception he had hoped for. The Germans walked away from the speech agreeing that he's no Adolf Hitler.
Barack Obama in Berlin Thursday called for wealthy nations to share the wealth with poor nations and for an end to nuclear weapons. He urged the free movement of immigrants. All John McCain has to do is stay off television til November and he's in.
The Secret Service asked Congress for an extra ten million dollars Thursday. They cited the cost of protecting Obama, which must be enormous. They were able to protect Bill Clinton from Hillary for eight years but he didn't defeat her for the presidency.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in
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© 2007, Argus Hamilton