Jewish World Review July 21, 2008 / 18 Tamuz 5768
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
Buckingham Palace suffered further water damage Thursday which Queen Elizabeth can't afford to fix. She can't get a home equity loan. Her family's only owned the house for a thousand years and the Bank of England doesn't like to lend to speculators.
Billy Crystal was appointed Friday to serve on the World Trade Center Memorial Committee. This is an effort to get the memorial moving. After seven years they have concluded that what's been holding up the project is that it doesn't have enough laughs.
Mad Men received eighteen Emmy nominations Monday for the show about a New York advertising agency in the early Sixties. All the characters drink, smoke and have sex in the workplace. There was a time in this country when there was no such thing as a sick day.
Britney Spears lost custody of her two toddlers to former husband Kevin Federline Friday in a court ruling. The tabloids hurt her cause. There was a time when a photograph of a mother holding onto her little half pints meant kids, not half pints.
Barack Obama was off Friday on a six-day trip to Israel, Jordan, France, Great Britain and Germany. The crowds will be huge. He plans to play Moses in Israel, Saladin in Iraq, Joan of Arc in France, Churchill in England and he's wracking his brains for a famous German leader to play that won't cost him New York and Florida.
Barack Obama was denied permission to speak at Berlin's Brandenburg Gate where Jack Kennedy and Ronald Reagan gave speeches during the Cold War. Germany says it's reserved for presidents. Saviors have to start at the beer halls and work their way up.
Barack Obama caught a break Thursday when all three major network news anchors decided to cover his trip to the Middle East. They were following their instincts as reporters. The chance to see a guy walking on the Sea of Galilee comes maybe twice.
Barack Obama was ripped by conservatives Friday for proposing huge spending on federal programs to stimulate the economy. His economic philosophy is self-evident. His father was from Kenya and his mother was a Kansan, and that makes him a Keynesian.
The Democratic Convention was reported Tuesday to be planning to give Denver's homeless free tickets to movies and the zoo to keep them out of sight. There still will be a lot of suffering visible at the convention. For starters, they won't allow fried food.
Congress is furious at Air Force officials for spending anti-terrorism funds on luxury aircraft interiors in transport planes used by the generals. They wanted something nicer than business class travel. A bag of peanuts would've accomplished that.
Kansas environmentalists resisted the construction of windmill turbines Friday because they break up the beauty of the prairie. Kansans like it flat. You can stand on your front porch in Kansas and watch your dog run away for a long, long time.
The Green Bay Packers filed charges against the Minnesota Vikings Thursday for improper contact with Brett Favre. What is it about Minneapolis? A man can't even go to the airport restroom in that town without having this charge filed against him.
The NFL began reviewing game films Tuesday to see if players were using secret gang signs on the field. There's a reason most teams have gone to the no-huddle offense. The players can't associate with one another or it violates their probations.
Jesse Jackson apologized again Thursday when tapes revealed he used the N-word as he vowed to cut off Obama's testicles. He had reason to use language like that. Jesse Jackson's sick and tired of being the only politician in America with no Grammy.
Dark Knight starring the late Heath Ledger opened to all-time record audiences this weekend. The actor's almost-certain Oscar nomination sends a real message to young people in Hollywood. You can do heroin and die and not have it hurt your career.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in
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© 2007, Argus Hamilton