Jewish World Review July 14, 2008 / 11 Tamuz 5768
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
The Running of the Bulls got underway in Pamplona to begin bullfighting season in Spain Tuesday. Hundreds of young bulls chased daredevils down city streets. At the end of the season the surviving bulls are castrated and endorsed by Jesse Jackson.
Jesse Jackson said on Fox News Sunday that he wanted to cut off Barack Obama's testicles. Now he thinks of it. If our last two presidents had had this done we never would have gone to war in Iraq and Bill Clinton would have retired with his dignity intact.
Jesse Jackson targeted Barack Obama for lecturing black audiences about family values and personal responsibility. It was poor judgment. If Barack Obama is going to steal Bill Cosby's material he should take the stuff from his earlier, funny years.
Jesse Jackson became the third pastor to bedevil Barack Obama Sunday. He's had tiffs with a Baptist pastor, a Church of Christ pastor and a Catholic priest. Just because Barack Obama isn't a Muslim doesn't mean he can't be hounded into becoming one.
Jesse Jackson was caught by a microphone saying he's so angry at Barack Obama for talking down to black voters that he'd like to cut off his testicles. Let's hope he doesn't. Otherwise Barack Obama may be giving his acceptance speech in Denver at Mile High Voice.
Alex Rodriguez was named by a Boston stripper as a former lover Tuesday. She kept him up all night four years ago to help her Red Sox beat the Yankees in the playoffs and win their first World Series in eighty years. The Chicago Cubs just put her on retainer.
Brett Favre text-messaged the Green Bay Packers Saturday saying that he wanted to cancel retirement and play again. His farm income isn't even enough to pay his gasoline bills. This morning he took his shotgun behind the barn and put down his SUV
Christie Brinkley smiled for photographers as she left a Long Island courthouse Thursday after her divorce case settled. She looks great. When tough times force Americans to choose between prescription drugs and food, supermodels don't think twice.
The California Lottery announced plans Wednesday to offer a lifetime supply of gasoline to the winner in the next state lottery. It's not very practical. Leave it to the geniuses in Sacramento to fill up a house with gasoline during fire season.
The California National Guard joined the firefighting effort Thursday. However, state officials said it wasn't enough and asked the White House to send federal troops. As much oil as there is under California, it's a shock they're not here already.
Formula One's Max Mosley sued the London Mail Monday to defend his right to enjoy kinky sex. He says the hookers who spanked him on video were dressed as German guards, not Nazis. Reality show producers are following this trial like it's the pennant race.
The American Society for Plastic Surgery said Thursday cosmetic procedures are down this year. Gym memberships fell nationwide for the first time in decades. It turns out that walking ten miles to work every day can turn anybody into a supermodel.
House Speaker Nancy Pelosi called upon President Bush Wednesday to release oil from the Strategic Petroleum Reserve. If he did this it would lower gas prices and lower the profits of oil companies. He hasn't worked this hard to give it all back now.
Barack Obama told a town hall meeting in Georgia Wednesday that parents need to make sure their kids are able to speak Spanish. So that's his economic policy. He is going to have Americans pose as illegal immigrants so they can get low-paying jobs.
Barack Obama apologized Wednesday for allowing his ten-year-old daughter to be interviewed by Access Hollywood. He vowed that it won't happen again. Already Annie Leibowitz is following the candidate's family everywhere with a bed sheet and a camera.
Barack Obama asked Germany's permission to address a German throng at the Brandenburg Gate just like Jack Kennedy did. He's going to accept the nomination in a stadium like Jack Kennedy did, and he's campaigning with Jack Kennedy's daughter. If Barack Obama was any more like Jack Kennedy he would be in as much trouble as Alex Rodriguez.
Barack Obama spoke at a Hillary Clinton fundraiser but he forgot to ask donors to give to her. Sure he forgot. The atmosphere between the two sides is so poisonous it is giving the last surviving veteran of World War One some really nasty flashbacks.
Iran's government got caught doctoring a photo of its Shahab-3 missile test last week showing four missiles launching when it was really only one. The Iranians love their new photo-editing software. Tomorrow they're going to release a photograph of Neil Armstrong planting the Iranian flag on the moon.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in
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© 2007, Argus Hamilton