Jewish World Review July 10, 2008 / 7 Tamuz 5768
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
Madame Tussaud's Wax Museum in Berlin was vandalized during the museum's grand opening when a German walked into the gallery and tore off Adolf Hitler's head. Such is the life of a politician. It's always, what have you done for me lately?
Seattle Sonics owner Clay Bennett moved his team to Oklahoma City Tuesday. The team will change names. It's the first name change since the Washington Bullets, in an effort to improve their public image, changed their name to the Baltimore Bullets.
President Bush gave a speech at Thomas Jefferson's estate on July Fourth to greet new citizens. The two presidents have a lot in common. Thomas Jefferson declared independence from Great Britain and George W. Bush declared dependence on Saudi Arabia.
The Group of Eight leaders gave a toast Monday with sake cups worth a thousand dollars apiece. They are made of wood, rimmed with gold and inlaid with mother-of-pearl. The reason they're so valuable is that each cup is filled with unleaded premium.
Rafael Nadal won Wimbledon Sunday, beating Roger Federer in the best played and most epic tennis match anybody has ever seen. The whole world was riveted. Osama bin Laden was almost captured because he refused to change caves during the fifth set.
Alex Rodriguez's wife Cynthia filed for divorce Monday alleging his infidelity with strippers and Madonna. He's been playing great despite all the controversy. Alex Rodriguez is the only hitter who sees the ball better when he's in the tabloids.
Barack Obama agreed last week to let cameras follow him to the gym every morning, to the barber shop on Sunday and home to his house and his wife every night. Democrats can't believe it. They thought they nominated Eldridge Cleaver and he turned out to be Ward Cleaver.
Barack Obama's campaign plane made an emergency landing in St. Louis Monday. An emergency rear exit chute deployed while the plane was in the air. The Love Guru is so unwatchable that people are walking out on it even when it's the in-flight movie.
Barack Obama decided Sunday to give his acceptance speech at the Denver Broncos' stadium. It will be on the anniversary of Martin Luther King's I Have a Dream speech. At the rate Barack Obama's been moving to the right, he might be delivering the rebuttal.
Alec Baldwin led efforts in New York Monday to ban horse-drawn carriages from working in Central Park. He wants horses off the streets of New York. Barack Obama isn't the only Democrat moving to the right, Alec Baldwin is now in bed with Big Oil.
The Automobile Club reported gasoline prices hit a new record high Monday. The West Coast is hardest hit. Gasoline is so expensive in Los Angeles that drunks who drive their cars off the cliffs of Mulholland Drive have been forced to carpool.
Universal Studios announced Monday it bought the Weather Channel. It's to help their theme parks. Universal is going to use all the Weather Channel's footage from the last month to create a new ride called It's a Small World and It's Coming to an End
John Kerry told Face the Nation Sunday John McCain does not have the judgment to be president. Four years ago John Kerry asked McCain to be his running mate on the Democratic Party ticket. John Kerry was for John McCain before he was against him.
The Democratic Convention specified Sunday that caterers must provide food in five exact colors. It's unbelievably controlling. Retired caterers in Moscow who used to work the Soviet Party Congress banquets just realized they won the Cold War.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in
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© 2007, Argus Hamilton