Jewish World Review July 2, 2008 / 29 Sivan 5768
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
Jack Nicholson led a Screen Actors Guild revolt against a settlement deal with studios Monday, making a strike likely. There are no replacement workers for Jack Nicholson. Nobody with his experience was able to make it through the Disco Era alive.
The National Bartenders Association reported Tuesday that tips at the bar were down thirty percent last month. You don't have to impress a woman in a bar by flashing your cash. Women today won't go home with you unless they see your gas gauge.
The Automobile Club released its survey on gas prices Saturday. It showed that the highest gas prices are in California and the lowest are in Oklahoma. It's a dollar a gallon difference, but that's not enough to make everybody get out of show business.
The Centers for Disease Control cited eight hundred cases of salmonella poisoning in June. They still can't find one infected tomato. Tomatoes may have been wrongly accused, but the way the military tribunals are run they have no way to prove it.
North Korea was able to blow up its nuclear reactor safely on Friday. It has had radiation leaks for years. It's had no effect on men but evidence shows that every woman raised on the Korean peninsula can break par on any course in the United States.
Barack Obama's campaign revealed that Obama phoned Bill Clinton Monday and they had a terrific conversation. They struck a deal. Bill agreed to stay off the campaign trail and Barack Obama agreed to give him Scarlett Johansson's e-mail address.
Barack Obama defended his patriotism during a speech in Independence on Monday to launch his Southern strategy. Both candidates have their geographic challenges. In order to carry the North, John McCain has to distance himself from President Bush, and in order to carry the South, Barack Obama has to distance himself from Abe Lincoln.
President Clinton's NATO commander General Wesley Clark raised a firestorm Sunday on CBS' Face the Nation. He said getting shot down in a fighter jet doesn't qualify John McCain to be president. Getting shot down by Paula Jones didn't qualify Bill Clinton to be president, but it did give us eight years of prosperity and comedy.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in
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© 2007, Argus Hamilton