Jewish World Review July 1, 2008 / 28 Sivan 5768
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
Shaquille O'Neal was ordered by Arizona and Virginia sheriffs to hand over his deputy badges for singing a rap song Sunday using racist language. He still has his Los Angeles badge. We expect all our Los Angeles police officers to speak English.
Bill Murray's divorce was settled quietly Thursday in South Carolina. His wife accused him of being a pothead and a drunk and a sex addict. Today that's a mark of shame, while thirty years ago that's how they introduced him on Saturday Night Live.
Tiger Woods ate an apple and tossed it aside at the U.S. Open last Monday. A fan picked it up and sold it on eBay for thirty-six grand. They figure if they can take his gum cells and clone them into a pro golfer it's a better investment than GM stock.
Tiger Woods spent a few nights before last Tuesday's knee surgery in Las Vegas with friends at a celebrity gambling event at the Bellagio Hotel. He likes to relax in Las Vegas. He likes it so much there's speculation about how his leg really got broken.
Los Angeles City Hall reported Tuesday it has issued seven thousand oil drilling permits to drill in the city. The wildcatters are everywhere. Ed McMahon was last seen in his front yard in Beverly Hills working the gopher holes with a toilet plunger.
Barack Obama broke down and gave Hillary Clinton a twenty-three hundred dollar donation Thursday. It's to help retire her campaign debt. When she showed up for the meeting wearing a hoop skirt made out of velvet draperies he knew she really needed the money.
Barack Obama said he approved of the Supreme Court's ruling to allow handgun ownership in Washington D.C. after earlier backing the ban on guns. Last week he reneged on his word to take public campaign financing and went private. A hundred years from now, Americans will be commemorating Barack Obama with the March Back and Forth.
North Korea hosted foreign observers Friday to watch the North Korean military blow up their nuclear plant. Neighboring countries aren't panicking about fallout. Japan has reassured everybody that if you've seen two of these things, you've seen them all.
The Supreme Court ruled Thursday that Washington D.C. residents have the right to own handguns at home. No one wants to see a return to guns on the street in the nation's capital. The neighborhoods have been so much quieter since people started using knives.
Denver Mayor John Hickenlooper vowed Thursday the Democratic Convention will be the greenest event ever. The first rule is no fried food. The Louisiana delegates are hereby reminded not to carry more than four ounces of Crisco onto the plane with them.
The Great Apes Project got a bill passed in Spain's legislature Friday that bans the exploiting of apes on television or in movies. That doesn't seem fair at all. For years and years Cheetah was the only reason straight people enjoyed Tarzan movies.
CBS News' Lara Logan was accused by an angry Texas housewife Friday of carrying on an adulterous affair with her contractor husband in Iraq while also dating CNN's Michael Ware. It's her duty. Lara Logan has freedom tattooed on one ankle and democracy tattooed on the other ankle and she's doing all she can to spread freedom and democracy in Iraq.
The Presbyterian Church convention Friday voted to allow gay ministers, however they split over gay marriage. Episcopalians and Methodists have the same split. No one would have thought thirty years ago that gays would wind up being Scotch drinkers.
The Weather Channel aired footage Saturday of violent wind damage on the Great Plains. Tornadoes disrupted the U.S. Olympic swimming trials practice in Omaha. If there's one good thing about being caught in a tornado, it's that you're dry in three seconds.
Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger asked President Bush for a disaster declaration Saturday due to wildfires raging on the central coast. None of the fires are more than twenty percent contained. Already sixteen banks have lost their homes in Big Sur.
Barack Obama's lead prompted affirmative action foes Friday to claim America's no longer racist and preferences aren't needed. Bigots are the new minority. Unless affirmative action is repealed, Harvard could be forced to hold slots open for Klansmen.
Hillary Clinton appeared with Barack Obama at a rally in New Hampshire Friday to show her unconditional support for him. She acted like she meant it and he acted like he believed it. One day, used car salesmen will study this tape in advanced training sessions.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in
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© 2007, Argus Hamilton