Jewish World Review July 30, 2007 / 15 Menachem-Av, 5767
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
NASA confirmed Friday that NASA astronauts had flown missions into space while they were legally drunk. It cast suspicion on every mission. People are reviewing old videotape to see if Neil Armstrong's one small step for man was in a straight line.
Atlanta Falcons star Michael Vick pleaded not guilty on Thursday to dogfighting charges. It has really unsettled the local sports community. No one wants to think about what might happen to the Georgia Bulldogs if they don't beat Alabama this fall.
Cal Ripken Jr. was inducted into the Baseball Hall of Fame in Cooperstown this past weekend. He was inducted for his streak that may never be broken. He's ducked the Barry Bonds steroid question two thousand six hundred and forty consecutive times.
The U.S. Senate voted overwhelmingly Friday to build the seven-hundred-mile border wall with Mexico. What a turnaround. The senators are so scared of the voters they added an amendment requiring the construction workers to build the wall from the south side.
China toughened its food and drug regulations Thursday after corrupt officials allowed poisoned pet food to be exported. Last week China executed its food and drug chief. Some nations take it very seriously if you're responsible for harming dogs.
British officials faced protests after police seized a sacred bull from a Hindu monastery in Wales and took it away to be slaughtered. The bull tested positive for tuberculosis. Animal Control had to kill him before he went on a honeymoon in Europe.
The California Supreme Court ruled Thursday the state can no longer seize the cars of people arrested for drugs or hooking. The state doesn't need any more cars. The number of Hummers stacking up in the governor's backyard was becoming an embarrassment.
Lindsay Lohan had cocaine when cops arrested her for drunk driving Monday. The drug causes euphoria and gives the user the illusion of invincibility for fifteen minutes. Los Angeles holds a festival every year that's called the Running of the Nose.
Cuban leader Raul Castro gave a speech Thursday offering to normalize relations with America after President Bush leaves office. There's no reason why the two countries shouldn't get along. They have a sugar crop and we have an obesity epidemic.
Syria and Jordan asked the U.S. for help dealing with two million Iraqi refugees who fled over their borders. We're glad to help. The U.S. advised them to pay for their education through age eighteen plus all medical expenses, but don't give them driver's licenses.
Porsche announced in Germany Thursday that its first hybrid SUV will be on the market in three years. They should out-sell the Toyota Prius in America without a problem. A German's idea of a hybrid is half gasoline and half solid rocket booster.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in
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© 2007, Argus Hamilton