Jewish World Review July 25, 2007 / 10 Menachem-Av, 5767
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
NASA warned Sunday that both Mars Rovers could be knocked out of commission by dust storms on the red planet. That's the least of their problems. When Michael Vick heard that there were two Rovers on Mars he tried to set up a fight between them.
David Beckham was a hit in his debut with the Los Angeles Galaxy Saturday. His knowledge of American rules will improve. David Beckham looked confused when the referee tripped him but the audience applauded the effort to pay off a gambling debt.
NBA referee Tim Donaghy agreed Sunday to testify against the mobsters for whom he fixed NBA games. A betting scandal could delay league expansion plans. There's now concern that an NBA team in Las Vegas could seriously erode the town's moral fiber.
I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry is a hit about two straight men who pretend to be gay lovers to get health coverage. It's tricky. Sodomy is acceptable to the average American moviegoer only if it's performed by an experienced insurance company.
The Department of Agriculture was reported to have paid over a billion dollars to dead farmers over the last seven years. One hundred and seventy thousand dead farmers have been collecting the farm subsidies. They are paid not to push up daisies.
Barry Bonds' grand jury decided Friday to keep investigating him. Insiders say he could be indicted for tax evasion by September. Commissioner Bud Selig said he still hasn't decided if he will be on hand when Barry Bonds breaks Al Capone's record.
Democratic presidential candidates in South Carolina took video questions from Internet users Monday. The questions were screened. Hillary Clinton was asked a thousand times if she would dress up like a Catholic schoolgirl during the next debate.
Democratic candidates tried to tout their national security credentials Monday in South Carolina. It's a hopeless venue for them. Rudy Giuliani's been unbeatable in South Carolina ever since it was discovered that his first wife is also his cousin.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in
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© 2007, Argus Hamilton