Jewish World Review July 23, 2007 / 8 Menachem-Av, 5767
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows came out Friday at midnight with hundreds of thousands of children lined up at the bookstores. It's not everyone's cup of tea. Michael Vick's favorite book as a kid was Old Yeller, because he loves a happy ending.
ABC News said two Iowa women who screamed when they saw Bill Clinton at a July Fourth parade had mistaken him for Bob Barker. The game show host's mission in life is to spay dogs and neuter tomcats. How could those women in Iowa mistake Bill Clinton for his mortal enemy?
Gary Player told reporters at the British Open Thursday that tour golfers were now taking steroids and human growth hormone. These drugs make you muscular and chiseled. Whoever thought John Daly would end up being the poster boy for clean urine?
Hollywood madam Babydoll Gibson wants to testify in the Phil Spector murder trial to try to promote her tell-all book. She will claim Lana Clarkson worked as her whore. Whenever Washington threatens to outsleaze Hollywood we break out our big guns.
The World Series of Poker in Las Vegas was won by a Laotian refugee on Tuesday while a Vietnamese refugee finished second. They're more upset about the Michael Vick indictment than anybody. They come from a culture where it's a sin to waste food.
Virgin America announced service from San Francisco to Los Angeles Friday. The low-fare airline offers in-flight movie rentals. It's only a thirty-minute flight but planes now sit so long on the runway that Gone with the Wind will be complimentary.
NBA referee Tim Donaghy was under investigation Friday for fixing NBA games for gamblers. To protect the league's image, the NBA's All-Star Weekend may never be held in Las Vegas again. It's the kind of good luck that built the city in the first place.
The Dow industrials closed above fourteen thousand points for the first time in Wall Street history Thursday. Traders cheered at the closing bell. The stock market's been going great guns ever since the bulls started working out in the off-season with Barry Bonds.
Democratic Party presidential candidates debate tonight in Charleston. Internet users were invited to submit questions to the candidates over the Web. It could the first political debate in history to directly address the concerns of sexual predators.
The Washington Post style section lectured Hillary Clinton Friday for showing cleavage during Wednesday's Senate debate. It was tough. She had to sprinkle glitter on her throat to distinguish herself from all the other boobs sitting in the chamber.
Robert Byrd was mobbed by adoring fans in the Senate hallway Thursday after he was the first to speak out on the floor against dog fighting. You can't make it up. He is going to be ninety in November and he's got the best reflexes in the Senate.
China executed the government administrator in charge of the nation's internationally condemned food and drug quality last week. The execution was grisly. A squad lined him up and gave him a choice between eating the catfish and using the toothpaste.
David Beckham made his soccer debut for the Los Angeles Galaxy on Saturday. He hasn't yet earned celebrity status in America. No one in Los Angeles is going to know who David Beckham is until he kills that blonde he married and gets away with it.
Rudy Giuliani toured an ethanol plant in Iowa on Thursday and later he visited a wind power plant. He wants to be the candidate of renewable energy resources. Next, Rudy's going to New York to see if steam power can be harnessed from the streets.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in
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© 2007, Argus Hamilton