Jewish World Review July 5, 2007 / 19 Tamuz, 5767
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
Los Angeles Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa admitted Monday to an extramarital affair with news anchor Mirthala Salinas. She's a young knockout and he's a middle-aged married man. So much for the argument that Hispanics will never assimilate in America.
Britain rounded up terror suspects Tuesday following last week's attacks. Five doctors have been implicated in deploying the car bombs that failed to go off. It warns Americans, if nothing else, about the gross inefficiency of socialized medicine.
The Fourth of July was celebrated in America all day Wednesday with fireworks made in China. They're not so dangerous. Chinese fireworks may blow off your hand or put out your eye but they're still safer than their pet food, tires and toothpaste.
Columbia University published a study Monday showing three out of ten Americans have abused alcohol. The percentage is so high because they included campus binge drinking. America West must rue the day they began requiring all pilots to have college degrees.
Vladimir Putin enjoyed a weekend of fishing and horseplay with President Bush in Kennebunkport. The Russian leader caught a large striped bass. He nearly leaped out of the boat when the bass turned its head toward him and sang Don't Worry, Be Happy.
Hillary Clinton ate a Snickers Blizzard for her lunch Tuesday at a Dairy Queen in Iowa. That's where the votes are. America used to be divided into Red States and Blue States, now it's evenly divided between Southern California and Size Fourteen.
Dublin police announced Tuesday they found bales and bales of cocaine washing up on the shores of County Cork. Inspectors say it must have spilled off a passing boat. The Irish Tourism Bureau isn't above using a little blarney to attract Los Angeles tourists to Ireland if they're afraid to fly to London or Glasgow this summer.
Scotland Yard announced that eight Muslim terror suspects arrested Monday in the failed car bombings in London and Glasgow included three medical doctors from Iraq and Jordan. Everybody was shocked. They were the good guys in Sicko.
Paris Hilton flew to Hawaii Wednesday after tripling the ratings of the Larry King show, where she gave the most boring interview in history. It was a new low in journalism. She went blank every time Larry King asked her if she likes older men.
World Wrestling Federation star Chris Benoit's doctor was arrested Monday. The wrestler strangled his entire family and then hung himself during a steroid rage. The next day, Barry Bonds's teenage son didn't have to be told twice to take out the trash.
Hollywood Madam Heidi Fleiss opened a coin-operated laundromat Tuesday in Nevada, sixty miles from Las Vegas. There's something really fishy about the place. The powdered soap in the vending machines sells for three hundred dollars a box.
CBS Radio was reported Monday to be considering giving Don Imus back his radi
o show after firing him. It's only right. If everybody lost their livelihood over one unfunny joke, half the U.S. Senate would be voted out of office over immigration reform.
John McCain took drastic measures to save money on his faltering presidential campaign Monday and cut all his staffers' pay. It's a break that his immigration reform bill went down to defeat. Otherwise he'd have to pay these people minimum wage.
Bill Clinton flew to Iowa Monday to make speeches with Hillary Clinton before Iowa voters. Iowans are always sorry to see the Clintons go home. Whenever Bill and Hillary leave Iowa, the farmers have to go back to fertilizing the crops themselves.
Bill Clinton was an hour late to a campaign rally in Des Moines Monday where he was supposed to introduce his wife to a crowd that was waiting irritably. It was carefully planned. Her poll numbers are never better than when he is embarrassing her.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in
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© 2007, Argus Hamilton