Jewish World Review July 18, 2006 / 22 Tamuz, 5766

A big boo-hoo for disgraced celebs

By Celia Rivenbark

http://www.JewishWorldReview.com | It's been a tough month for celebrities who used to be taken seriously as journalists, hons. First off, Connie Chung, one-time esteemed network reporter and anchor, dons a strapless Barbie nightclub singer dress and inexplicably writhes about on the floor while "singing'' a televised tribute to her fat-baby obsessed husband, Maury Povich, on the last day of their cable show.

Then Chung's former CBS buddy, Dan Rather, quits in a huff after the network disses him by essentially giving the former award-winning anchor and watery-eyed veteran of many a national calamity an office the size of a Cheeto with instructions not to use the phone for personal calls.

Apparently, Rather's famously folksy turns of phrase are no longer welcome at the Big Eye. Which makes us madder'n a mule chewing on a bumblebee nest, by the way.

And, finally, Star Jones, one-time humble McDonald's fry girl turned brilliant court reporter turned voracious man-eating, weight-losing, fur-wearing Bridezilla, has her final diva-fit and up and quits "The View'' to "pursue other projects'' that we fervently hope don't include some sort of Spurned Woman Road Tour with aspiring chaunteuse Chung.

Barbara Walters, 105, said that she was just sick about Star's sudden exit because she and "View'' co-hosts Elizabeth Hasselbeck and Joy Behar had been planning all along to simply feed the suddenly diminutive Star to new "View'' recruit Rosie O'Donnell during a commercial break. Actually, Star's popularity had pretty much tanked since she began to imply that all one has to do to lose tons of weight is to find and marry a very handsome homosexual. No, no, what I meant to say was things soured when she forgot that viewers like to relate to a talk-show hostess.

When watching "The View'' (which we periodically do if dragged into a room and our eyelids glued open a la "A Clockwork Orange'') we're supposed to feel that we're with our best girlfriends, sipping Cointreau margaritas and whining about our spouses.

And, yes, we're ashamed to say it, but we liked Star better fat. She was big and fun, and she bought her shoes at Payless, for heaven's sake. How much more real and girlfriendy can you get?

Celebrities are terrific at mending battered images, and our guess is that Star will triumph again. We suggest an immediate adoption of at least one baby from a war-ravaged country, or perhaps borrow one from the perpetually pregnant Heidi Klum.

It's too late for Chung and Rather, but not for Star. Get going, girlfriend.