Jewish World Review July 31, 2006 / 6 Menachem-Av, 5766
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
Tour de France winner Floyd Landis tested positive Thursday for high amounts of testosterone, which could indicate steroid use. His devoutly Mennonite mother rushed to his defense. She set down the two cows she was carrying and insisted it was genetic.
Democratic party chairman Howard Dean told a crowd in West Palm Beach Thursday that Congresswoman Katharine Harris reminds him of Soviet dictator Josef Stalin. He believed in controlling everything and everybody and didn't allow anyone to be rich. It's the nicest thing a Democrat can say about you.
Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger asked his fellow Californians to throw block parties Sunday and join him in celebrating his fifty-ninth birthday. It was celebrated across the state. Every year that he lives is a new record for steroid users.
Wal-Mart announced Friday it will shut down all its stores in Germany. This came a week after the retailer threatened to pull out of Chicago. Wal-Mart doesn't seem to do well in places with a tradition of authoritarian rule and good sausages.
Exxon Mobil announced Thursday it made ten billion dollars last quarter. The oil company said the Middle East will have to calm down before prices fall. It's their way of forecasting three thousand more years of continued record profits.
Nigerian governor candidate Funsho Williams was found strangled in his home Thursday with his arms tied behind his back and his legs bound together. His campaign manager has been arrested as the primary murder suspect. When you hire James Carville, it says right in the contract not to stray from the talking points.
SportsCenter baseball analyst Harold Reynolds was fired by ESPN on Wednesday for sexual harassment in the workplace. A lot of people saw this coming. He voted for Bill Clinton two times for president and three times for Play of the Day.
New York's Museum of Sex on Thursday unveiled a presidential bust of Hillary Clinton by sculptor Daniel Edwards, who says he wanted to display her sexuality. It may not be the first time she was sculpted. Everybody knows she's married to a chiseler.
North Korea vowed more missile testing Wednesday when the U.S. refused two-way talks with them. Their long-range missile was in the air just forty-nine seconds before it sputtered and fell to the earth. What do you expect, it was made in Korea.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in
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© 2006, Argus Hamilton