Jewish World Review July 17, 2006 / 21 Tamuz, 5766
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
Ben Roethlisberger showed off his face Wednesday only a month after his near-fatal motorcycle accident. He flew head-first through a windshield. Doctors did a such an amazing job on him, Joan Rivers and Jerry Jones have taken up motorcycling.
Peter Coors must appear in Colorado court Thursday on drunk driving charges after he flunked a roadside breathalyzer test three months ago. Beer experts are really amazed. It's the first time in history anyone ever detected alcohol in Coors.
Valerie Plame addressed the TV cameras Friday about her lawsuit against Dick Cheney. She's a beautiful blonde, she drives a convertible, and she claims that the publicity ruined her life. At last there's a story a Los Angeles jury won't buy.
Iran threatened war Thursday if Syria is attacked, as Israeli air strikes hit to the north in Lebanon and Israeli armor advanced south into Gaza. It wasn't all bad news. Iraq looks so stable by comparison you would think Saddam was still in office.
Syria declared Friday they support Hezbollah against the Israelis. It's hard for Americans to keep track of these groups. Hezbollah supports the destruction of Israel and the Islamic takeover of the United States, and they are the moderates.
Bill Clinton was widely promoted Friday as a possible U.S. peace envoy for the Middle East situation. However, cooler heads prevailed and the idea was tabled. The last thing this situation needs is another U.S. predator drone prowling the area.
The Washington Post said Thursday Hillary Clinton plans to emphasize to voters that she's a Methodist. She's well on her way to every Methodist's goal. With twenty-two million dollars in her campaign account, she is an Episcopalian in all but name.
The Associated Press poll Friday showed Americans plan to vote for Democrats over Republicans this fall by a three-to-one margin. Some people got carried away with the news. It was really bad luck for House Minority leader Nancy Pelosi to purchase a powdered wig and ask her colleagues to address her as Lord Chancellor.
Space shuttle astronauts inspected Discovery's wings Friday to make sure it was safe to fly home. They received many messages from people on the ground. Americans wanted to ask the astronauts to say hi to the gasoline prices while they are up there.
The Internet buzzed with wild rumors Friday that Enron founder Ken Lay faked his own death to avoid a prison sentence. Anything's possible. So many Enron employees prayed for Ken Lay to burn in hell that he may well be summering in Texas.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in
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© 2006, Argus Hamilton