Jewish World Review July 25, 2005 / 18 Tamuz, 5765
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
Los Angeles was warned by an intelligence report Friday that
al-Qaeda plans to attack L.A. in the fall. The terrorists will
regret it if they do. Mexico might give up its neutrality in the
War on Terror if their capital city is attacked.
Lance Armstrong pedaled toward Paris Saturday leading the
Tour de France. The next day hundreds of bicyclists rolled into
the capital city. It looked like rush hour in London and New York
the day after bag searches started on the subways.
Judge John Roberts was coy to senators on Capitol Hill
Thursday about how he would rule on Roe versus Wade. His wife is
the general counsel for a Catholic women pro-life organization.
Democrats are reduced to hoping that opposites attract.
Joe Wilson promoted his book the Politics of Truth on TV
Friday. He demanded to know why the White House outed his wife as
a CIA agent. He didn't ask them to do it and he's not paying their
sixty thousand dollar invoice for publicity services.
The Pentagon asked Congress Thursday to raise the maximum
recruiting age for the Army to forty-two. The new recruits are
getting older and older. Iraq may not be another Vietnam but at
the rate they are going it might be a Vietnam reunion.
Bill Clinton, while in Kenya Friday, received an offer from
a native tribesman of twenty head of cattle and forty goats for
the hand of his daughter in marriage. It really made him laugh.
That's exactly how his parents met except it was chickens.
The Weather Channel reported the entire U.S. in the grip of
a brutal heat wave Thursday. It's nuts. Wedding Crashers doubled
its box office last week after the studio demoted Owen Wilson and
Vince Vaughn and gave top billing to Air Conditioned.
The National Football League opens rookie training camp
Monday. The drilling is incessant. During classes they learn the
marijuana laws of all fifty states and on the field they practice
roadside sobriety tests until they are second nature.
Democratic protesters denounced the president Thursday
because the Supreme Court nominee wasn't black, a woman or a
Hispanic. Many of them said they are tired of playing the white man's
game. That's no way to welcome hockey back after a two-year absence.
New York City officials announced Thursday they will begin
randomly checking the bags and backpacks of all subway and bus and
ferry passengers. This won't make anybody safer. All it's going to
do is put drug addicts behind the wheels of their own cars.
London subways and buses were targeted again by bombers
Thursday. There were no casualties in this clumsy effort to
destroy mass transportation. The attempt was so amateurish that it
bore all the hallmarks of frustrated GM stockholders.
NBC's Andrea Mitchell was roughed up by the Sudanese
president's bodyguards Wednesday. She's married to Alan Greenspan.
They plan to run a tape of the assault on Jackass to show the
Third World how not to get a loan from the Federal Reserve.
Saddam Hussein reportedly told prison guards that he's
biding his time until U.S. troops leave and he's back in charge.
Democrats feel his pain. Dan Rostenkowski is still waiting to get
his chairmanship back on the House Ways and Means Committee.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in
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© 2005, Argus Hamilton