Jewish World Review July 11, 2005 / 4 Tamuz, 5765
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
Queen Elizabeth announced Friday that terrorists will not change the British way of life. There's no scaring her. In her eighty years she's been attacked by Adolf Hitler, Princess Di and Osama bin Laden, and the terrorists are zero for three.
The Major League Baseball All-Star Game is in Detroit Tuesday after the Home Run Derby tonight. The fans won't miss Jose Canseco and Jason Giambi and Mark McGwire. The Jumbotron is going to show the Congressional steroid hearings.
The International Olympic Committee dropped baseball from the Olympic Games on Friday. Since the sport was added twenty years ago, Cuba has won most of the gold medals. To make it up to Cuba, all the free-style swimming events will be held in a shark pool.
O.J. Simpson's neighbors phoned the cops last Monday while his girlfriend was beating him. He was trying to stop her from driving off drunk. The world is upside down when O.J. Simpson is the voice of reason and everyone's waiting for Tom Cruise to snap.
Prince Charles was shown on television Friday arriving at St. Mary's Hospital with Camilla in hand to comfort London bombing victims. He was as dull as ever. Prince Charles consoled the bombing victims and the bombing victims consoled Camilla.
The G-8 leaders approved an aid package for Africa Friday. They also granted an aid package to the Palestinians. The Africans and the Palestinians thought the packages looked so suspicious that they sent them to a Swiss bank to be checked out.
NASA announced Friday it will relax security procedures for the next space shuttle launch. They feel they've solved the security problem. Three astronauts are at Guantanamo for trying to smuggle a nail clippers onto a space shuttle flight.
Bill Clinton gave the opening talk at the Aspen Institute's Ideas Festival on Friday but Hillary Clinton gave the featured speech on Sunday. The former president is now his wife's opening act. Once Sonny Bono was eclipsed by Cher it was all downhill after that.
The World Series of Poker kicked off Thursday in Las Vegas, attracting three thousand entries. The sport of poker is being advertised as family-friendly. Nothing brings a family closer than six people moving into a one-bedroom apartment.
The Truth about Hillary by Ed Klein (Click HERE to purchase. Sales help fund JWR.) hit number-one on the Amazon best-seller list. It says Hillary used to physically beat Bill because of his infidelity. So if you ever saw Bill with scrapes and scratches, you knew he'd had a good week.
Former New York Mayor Rudy Giuliani just happened to be in London on Thursday when the bombs went off. He was only a block away from the main explosion. The terrorists have been after him ever since he closed the strip bars in Times Square.
The G-8 meeting had to shelve poverty relief for Africa Thursday. Terrorism went back to the top of the agenda after the London bombings stole the spotlight. Next time Live 8 wants some media attention they'll use more pyrotechnics onstage.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in
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© 2005, Argus Hamilton