Jewish World Review July 5, 2005 / 28 Sivan, 5765
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
Former Democratic vice-presidential nominee John Edwards
lobbied four states last week to raise the minimum wage. He said
employees of American companies work full time and they can't get
out of poverty. A rupee doesn't go as far as it used to.
Senate Democrats went on the air Sunday to warn President
Bush not to name a conservative to the Supreme Court. They are
trying to help. They sent the White House some names they would
approve but Warren Beatty doesn't even have a law degree.
NASA's Deep Impact spacecraft fired a projectile into a
comet and destroyed it just to mark the Fourth of July. Everyone
got mileage out of the stunt. Hillary Clinton stood in front of an
aircraft carrier and said the comet had it coming.
Hillary Clinton was reported Wednesday to be taking a seat
on the Democratic Leadership Council. It's part of her three-part
plan to get elected to the White House. She wants to move to the
center on social policy, move to the right on national security,
and replace the presidential debates with a dish-throwing contest.
Howard Dean had to cancel an appearance in South Carolina
due to bad weather Saturday. He has been very tame ever since
Hillary told him to keep it zipped or it will hurt her chances for
president. It's the same thing she used to tell Bill.
Bill Clinton's autobiography was reported Thursday to be a
runaway best-seller in Iran. There's a lesson here. It just proves
that if you tell people in any culture that oral sex is not
adultery they will follow you to the ends of the earth.
Iran's new president was recognized on Thursday as an
American hostage taker in Teheran a quarter century ago. Now he's
linked to an old murder in Vienna. The world's still waiting for a
baby boomer president with a Seventies he can talk about.
Texas Rangers pitcher Kenny Rogers was suspended Friday for
assaulting two television cameramen, sending one to a hospital. He
went nuts after doing his pre-game warm-ups. So much for Tom
Cruise's theory that mental illness can be cured with exercise.
War of the Worlds drew huge audiences to movie theaters
nationwide in its first weekend out. The ending is a little
creepy. Tom Cruise defeats the space aliens who try to destroy the
Earth but not before they convert him to their religion.
The German Army last week began training Iraqi troops in
Germany. The German high court just ruled to allow German soldiers
to wear their hair in ponytails and mullets. Every year the cast
of The Sopranos loses four actors to the Wehrmacht.
The Auto Club warned Friday that car theft could be rampant
over the holiday weekend. Not out West. Gasoline is so high that
people in Los Angeles are leaving their SUVS on the street with
the keys still in the door and nobody will steal them.
Democrats vowed Friday they will block any Supreme Court
nominee they don't like. No one wants the job. Whoever gets the
nomination will go in one day from being a dignified, respected
jurist to being Michael Jackson's slumber party planner.
Jesse Jackson addressed an Hispanic rights convention in
Little Rock Friday and called for peace. Blacks have issues with
Mexicans. Not only are they using a grotesque black cartoon
character on postage stamps, they are now holding their
conventions in slave states.
Mexico issued a racist postage stamp Tuesday of an
exaggerated black cartoon character. Just last month, Mexican
President Vicente Fox said Mexican immigrants will do the work in
America even black people won't do. Americans are so outraged that
the NAACP just sat down with the Ku Klux Klan to see what we can
do about this.
North Korea on Friday demanded that the U.S. retract its
description of the country as an outpost of tyranny before they
will negotiate with us. The leader Kim Jong Il keeps a harem of
girlfriends and washes down amphetamines with a quart of Cognac a day.
He won't be happy until he's regarded as a member of the Axis of Elvis.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in
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© 2005, Argus Hamilton