In this issue

Jonathan Tobin: Defending the Right to a Jewish State

Heather Hale: Compliment your kids without giving them big heads

Megan Shauri: 10 ways you are ruining your own happiness

Carolyn Bigda: 8 Best Dividend Stocks for 2015

Kiplinger's Personal Finance editors: 7 Things You Didn't Know About Paying Off Student Loans

Samantha Olson: The Crucial Mistake 55% Of Parents Are Making At Their Baby's Bedtime

Densie Well, Ph.D., R.D. Open your eyes to yellow vegetables

The Kosher Gourmet by Megan Gordon With its colorful cache of purples and oranges and reds, COLLARD GREEN SLAW is a marvelous mood booster --- not to mention just downright delish
April 18, 2014

Rabbi Yonason Goldson: Clarifying one of the greatest philosophical conundrums in theology

Caroline B. Glick: The disappearance of US will

Megan Wallgren: 10 things I've learned from my teenagers

Lizette Borreli: Green Tea Boosts Brain Power, May Help Treat Dementia

John Ericson: Trying hard to be 'positive' but never succeeding? Blame Your Brain

The Kosher Gourmet by Julie Rothman Almondy, flourless torta del re (Italian king's cake), has royal roots, is simple to make, . . . but devour it because it's simply delicious

April 14, 2014

Rabbi Dr Naftali Brawer: Passover frees us from the tyranny of time

Greg Crosby: Passing Over Religion

Eric Schulzke: First degree: How America really recovered from a murder epidemic

Georgia Lee: When love is not enough: Teaching your kids about the realities of adult relationships

Cameron Huddleston: Freebies for Your Lawn and Garden

Gordon Pape: How you can tell if your financial adviser is setting you up for potential ruin

Dana Dovey: Up to 500,000 people die each year from hepatitis C-related liver disease. New Treatment Has Over 90% Success Rate

Justin Caba: Eating Watermelon Can Help Control High Blood Pressure

The Kosher Gourmet by Joshua E. London and Lou Marmon Don't dare pass over these Pesach picks for Manischewitz!

April 11, 2014

Rabbi Hillel Goldberg: Silence is much more than golden

Caroline B. Glick: Forgetting freedom at Passover

Susan Swann: How to value a child for who he is, not just what he does

Cameron Huddleston: 7 Financial Tasks You Should Tackle Right Now

Sandra Block and Lisa Gerstner: How to Profit From Your Passion

Susan Scutti: A Simple Blood Test Might Soon Diagnose Cancer

Chris Weller: Have A Slow Metabolism? Let Science Speed It Up For You

The Kosher Gourmet by Diane Rossen Worthington Whitefish Terrine: A French take on gefilte fish

April 9, 2014

Jonathan Tobin: Why Did Kerry Lie About Israeli Blame?

Samuel G. Freedman: A resolution 70 years later for a father's unsettling legacy of ashes from Dachau

Jessica Ivins: A resolution 70 years later for a father's unsettling legacy of ashes from Dachau

Kim Giles: Asking for help is not weakness

Kathy Kristof and Barbara Hoch Marcus: 7 Great Growth Israeli Stocks

Matthew Mientka: How Beans, Peas, And Chickpeas Cleanse Bad Cholesterol and Lowers Risk of Heart Disease

Sabrina Bachai: 5 At-Home Treatments For Headaches

The Kosher Gourmet by Daniel Neman Have yourself a matzo ball: The secrets bubby never told you and recipes she could have never imagined

April 8, 2014

Lori Nawyn: At Your Wit's End and Back: Finding Peace

Susan B. Garland and Rachel L. Sheedy: Strategies Married Couples Can Use to Boost Benefits

David Muhlbaum: Smart Tax Deductions Non-Itemizers Can Claim

Jill Weisenberger, M.S., R.D.N., C.D.E : Before You Lose Your Mental Edge

Dana Dovey: Coffee Drinkers Rejoice! Your Cup Of Joe Can Prevent Death From Liver Disease

Chris Weller: Electric 'Thinking Cap' Puts Your Brain Power Into High Gear

The Kosher Gourmet by Marlene Parrish A gift of hazelnuts keeps giving --- for a variety of nutty recipes: Entree, side, soup, dessert

April 4, 2014

Rabbi David Gutterman: The Word for Nothing Means Everything

Charles Krauthammer: Kerry's folly, Chapter 3

Amy Peterson: A life of love: How to build lasting relationships with your children

John Ericson: Older Women: Save Your Heart, Prevent Stroke Don't Drink Diet

John Ericson: Why 50 million Americans will still have spring allergies after taking meds

Cameron Huddleston: Best and Worst Buys of April 2014

Stacy Rapacon: Great Mutual Funds for Young Investors

Sarah Boesveld: Teacher keeps promise to mail thousands of former students letters written by their past selves

The Kosher Gourmet by Sharon Thompson Anyone can make a salad, you say. But can they make a great salad? (SECRETS, TESTED TECHNIQUES + 4 RECIPES, INCLUDING DRESSINGS)

April 2, 2014

Paul Greenberg: Death and joy in the spring

Dan Barry: Should South Carolina Jews be forced to maintain this chimney built by Germans serving the Nazis?

Mayra Bitsko: Save me! An alien took over my child's personality

Frank Clayton: Get happy: 20 scientifically proven happiness activities

Susan Scutti: It's Genetic! Obesity and the 'Carb Breakdown' Gene

Lecia Bushak: Why Hand Sanitizer May Actually Harm Your Health

Stacy Rapacon: Great Funds You Can Own for $500 or Less

Cameron Huddleston: 7 Ways to Save on Home Decor

The Kosher Gourmet by Steve Petusevsky Exploring ingredients as edible-stuffed containers (TWO RECIPES + TIPS & TECHINQUES)

Jewish World Review July 15, 2005 / 8 Taamuz, 5765

Once upon a tech support

By Lori Borgman

Lori Borgman
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http://www.JewishWorldReview.com | Once upon a time there was a nice lady who was kind to small children, puppies, and on rare occasions, even telemarketers. The lady worked at home on a computer, which meant she did not have an on-site information technology staff, or IT as they are commonly called. The lady would laugh and say, ‘No, I don't have I-T; I only have M-E. ’

One day, the nice lady, who would never raise an iron skillet in fury toward anyone except for rodents, spiders and Iraqi terrorists, had problems with her wireless network. The gentle lady called tech support phone number provided by the computer manufacturer and drew pictures of pretty doves on the notepad beside her.

Thirty minutes later, the nice lady bent the felt tip pen into the shape of the letter k. One hour later, the nice lady was grinding her teeth, snapping pencils in half and slapping at a wicked twitch beneath her right eye. Two hours later, the lady was so desperate to get the situation resolved that if tech support had told her to wave an Ethernet cord over her head three times and whoop like a cowboy, she would have gladly done it.

Why was the lady coming unglued? Because computer manufacturers hire tech support people that live in lands far, far away, where they cannot understand the customers who call, and the customers who call cannot understand them.

The lady was on the phone two hours when she considered rolling an old blue IBM Selectric typewriter out of an upstairs closet. This wasn't just any typewriter. It had belonged to her mother and was once the Cadillac of electrics. Express back key, automatic carriage return, and those little balls you can switch out to change the typeface from Times to Helvetica and, yes, even cursive. Hot stuff, the lady recalled.

The lady was headed toward la-la land when she heard the tech support man say, ‘OK, I am going to gib you a case id noombah. Weddy? ’

‘OK,’ said the lady. ‘Please speak slowly. ’

‘Ah as in awl, see as in chawey, es as in shewga, sex as in sex-way, ate, won, nine. ’

‘Are you saying o as in owl? ’ the lady pleaded.

‘No! ah-WULL, ah-WULL! ’

‘Oh, apple! C as in Charlie, s as in sugar? the lady asked.

‘Yes! Yes! ’

‘And sex? Sex, 8? ’ the lady begged to know.

‘No! Ex as in ex-way! ’

‘Oh, x as in x-ray! ’

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The lady asked to buy a vowel, but the tech support man said no and put her on hold. Little did the lady know the tech support man was pulling his hair out at the same time she was pulling her hair our. Now he was telling co-workers he had a live one on line 2. ‘Sounds like her mouth is full of rocks!’ The tech support workers laughed, high-fived one another and popped another Mountain Dew.

‘I'll trade that Midwest twang for a Bronx accent on line 4, ’ said another tech. ‘That's nothing, ’ said the supervisor. ‘I have one from Atlanta, keeps calling it a ‘cumpoodah’! ’ The techs laughed some more, ran another round of office chair relay races, and eventually returned to their phones.

The once nice, but now disheveled, unnerved, demoralized lady calmly told tech support he had won and disconnected the phone. Violently.

The lady rarely smiled anymore. The twinkle vanished from her eyes and neighbors say late at night the faint tap, tap, tap of an electric typewriter can be heard outside her window.

Every weekday JewishWorldReview.com publishes what many in in the media and Washington consider "must-reading". Sign up for the daily JWR update. It's free. Just click here.

JWR contributor Lori Borgman is the author of , most recently, "Pass the Faith, Please" (Click HERE to purchase. Sales help fund JWR.) and I Was a Better Mother Before I Had Kids To comment, please click here. To visit her website click here.


© 2005, Lori Borgman