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(We may never get to see the transcript of the chat going on among the Hillary Clinton team right now, but I can only assume that were it leaked, it would go something like this.)
IN CHAT: Hillary, Redacted, Redacted
Redacted: Team! Did you read David Brooks today explaining why Hillary is disliked? Riveting stuff. He said that it was because nobody knows "what Hillary Clinton does for fun[.] . . . when people talk about Clinton, they tend to talk of her exclusively in professional terms. . . . Clinton's career appears, from the outside, to be all consuming. . . . Clinton's unpopularity is akin to the unpopularity of a workaholic. Workaholism is a form of emotional self-estrangement. Workaholics are so consumed by their professional activities that their feelings don't inform their most fundamental decisions. . . . Josef Pieper wrote that leisure is not an activity, it's an attitude of mind. It's stepping outside strenuous effort and creating enough stillness so that it becomes possible to contemplate and enjoy things as they are. Even successful lives need these sanctuaries - in order to be a real person instead of just a productive one. It appears that we don't really trust candidates who do not show us theirs." This struck me as interesting given that I thought Hillary wasn't trusted not because people didn't know about her leisure activities but because large swaths of the Internet burst into flame at a single mention of the Clinton Foundation? But this man is a columnist, and you know what they say about the American public: It listens to the opinions of columnists, and columnists are never wrong about it.
Hillary: I too found it remarkable that he thought my low numbers were due to the fact that I had not shared my leisure activities with the public. I have attached a spreadsheet and PowerPoint of many leisure activities in which I take part, which I trust that many Americans (especially women) will find to be quite relatable. Warm Regards, Hillary
Redacted: Hillary you don't need to sign this -- it's a group chat
Hillary: GOOD TO KNOW! -H
Redacted: Hillary I'm taking a look at your list of leisure activities to see what we can run with in here, and I'm a little curious. You say in the spreadsheet that "like millions of Americans, I can spend whole days buffering" and "sometimes to unwind I will sit in traffic for HOURS" did you just google what Americans spend most of their time doing and pretend these were your leisure activities?
Hillary: Definitely not. I wouldn't do that. Those are my real hobbies - I love a good traff.
Redacted: Hillary that's not -
Hillary: Lemonade
Redacted: OK let's get back to the spreadsheet you said "I spend eight hours a day relaxing with my eyes closed, although for a brief period within that my eyeballs move rapidly." That sounds like sleeping. Most people don't consider that a fun hobby.
Hillary: Sometimes when I'm lying there in a recumbent or prone posture with eyes shut my mind pretends that my life is different and I can fly - it's like swimming but through the air that's pretty far out though we might not want to share it.
Redacted: Hillary that's a dream.
Hillary: No dreams are like when you envision your future the way Dr. King did and millions of little girls can, now, when they look to me.
Other Redacted: Hang on, I'm going to reread the article maybe we can try another tactic
Redacted 3: I hate to be the person in the chat who is always saying WOULD PEOPLE CLAIM THEY COULD NOT TRUST YOU BECAUSE THEY DID NOT KNOW HOW YOU SPENT YOUR LEISURE IF YOU WEREN'T A WOMAN but - no, I'm going to be that person. Seriously? I have no idea what Bernie does for fun. I think he lectures birds? Or makes indignant telephone calls to newspapers to ask about his subscription? I don't think not knowing this is something most people hold against him. I don't think people said to themselves, "That Abraham Lincoln seems OK, but does he do anything for fun?" Teddy Roosevelt hunted big game but that wasn't what made people confident in him. The fact that President Obama plays golf makes some people so angry they want to tear holes in the Internet it doesn't reassure them that he's trustworthy this is just more of the nonsense double standard where Dad gets to be fun and responsible and mom has to be a put-together killjoy who always knows where everyone's towels are and then everyone turns around and complains that she's not fun and lacks hobbies this is why puns are dad jokes moms don't even get to make puns because they're supposed to be ironing linens or taking their child-rearing responsibilities seriously or something this is just more fruit from that particular tree, and I am sick of it. Furthermore literally any hobby you said would be held against you forever and they would make mean bobbleheads depicting you doing it.
Hillary: Standing! That's another hobby of mine? Leaning in.
Redacted 3: UGH WHY DOES NOBODY EVER LISTEN TO ME? MY CHATS ALWAYS SAY THEY'RE SEEN BUT NOBODY EVER REPLIES TO THEM.
Hillary: (is typing)
Redacted 3: Hillary also I think people would like it if you didn't always give off the air of somebody who confers with the group chat before every single response. Online you can get away with it but offline it makes you feel like a glitch in the matrix.
Hillary: (has entered text)
Thank you for that input I will accept it in the spirit in which it is offered
[Redacted 3 has left the chat]
Hillary: How about putting on pants. I put them on one leg at a time like so many of my fellow citizens.
Redacted: Hillary there must be something.
Hillary: Emails. I answer them. Cereal? Being an abstract idea full of hope and promise that people will willingly transform into a meme? haha I wish that were a hobby. Moisturizing? Breakfast - I like breakfast. That's relatable. Being relatable - that's a hobby. Not being Donald Trump? That's my hobby every day of my life.
Redacted: That's not bad actually.
Previously:
• 05/22/16 Games people rig, by Bernie Sanders
• 05/16/16: What really happened at the Trump-Ryan meeting
• 03/28/16: I, Cthulhu, endorse Donald Trump
• 03/21/16: Yes, I love puns. Stop saying it's a disease
• 03/14/16: Donald Trump's Gettysburg Infomercial
• 03/11/16: The Miami debate was Hillary's personal nightmare
• 03/03/16: Chris Christie's wordless screaming
• 02/29/16: But seriously, how do we turn this Donald Trump thing off?
• 02/19/16: Donald Trump for pope
• 02/15/16: What really happens at a Dem debate
• 02/01/16: Barbie is past saving
• 01/25/16: For the love of all that is holy, save small talk
• 01/20/16: Sean Penn meets the Almighty
• 01/05/16: 'Said' is not dead. Save boring words!
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