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Jewish World Review College degree can be had in 3 days By Celia Rivenbark http://www.JewishWorldReview.com | I don't have a college degree. It's not something I'm proud of, but it's not something I'm ashamed of either. Over the years, though, I've asked myself more than once: "Would life be better if I had a college degree?" and "Would I find myself upgraded on flights if I had a college degree?" The answer is, apparently, "yes" and "Hellz yes!" Lately, I have been inundated with online offers to get my college degree (even a doctorate!) based on my Real Life Experience. The ads from Real Life University Degrees promise that airline upgrades are often given to someone with an advanced degree, as in: Ticket counter rep: "You may board first, DOCTOR and Mr. McSnootypants." Can't hardly wait. According to the ads, "Others have frittered away years in classrooms absorbing information removed from real life." Yeah! Frittered! While y'all were in your "classrooms" doing things like "studying" and "learning" I was knocking off work in time for Drink Free Til You Pee night. Who's sorry now? You are probably asking yourself: "But, Celia, how can you possibly get a doctorate in five days without ever entering a classroom or cracking a book?" Easy. In partnership with a bunch of "accredited (but strangely nameless) colleges and universities" the degrees are handed out for cold cash usually in just three to five business days. I'll pay $180 which is the cost of a doctorate or, if I'm feeling like that's too showy, $155 for a master's degree. I'm not going to bother with the bachelor's for $130 because they're too trifling for someone with all my Life Experience. The way I figure it, this is way cheaper than signing up for Trump University, which costs $1,500 for three days or $35,000 for special Trump Gold students. I imagine graduates get a sweatshirt at the end that says simply "college." I heart those. Can you imagine the prestige that goes along with a degree from Trump University? Yeah, me neither. Which is why I'm all in with a Life Experience Degree. Here's how it works! Three years' life experience (which must mean a 3-year-old is eligible) earns the right to have a bachelor's degree; four years, a master's; six years, a doctorate and, hold on to your mortarboard, Buford, 10 years life experience entitles you to a FULL PROFESSORSHIP. Well, that and $210. I know what you're thinking (because with my advanced degree, I know every dang thing now) and it's prolly something like: "Does this mean you can now get a job teaching college?" Well, the answer is: "I have no flippin' idea, but I think it would be fun to try." I've got all this Accredited Life Experience just swimming around in my noggin like canned peaches in PJ. (Hey, I may not have gone to real college but I understood the concept of grain alcohol in a trash can with fruit mixed in.) It's time to start using it to help others. Oh, and board early. Every weekday JewishWorldReview.com publishes what many in the media and Washington consider "must-reading". Sign up for the daily JWR update. It's free. Just click here. Celia Rivenbark is an award-winning news reporter and freelance columnist for The Sun News in Myrtle Beach, S.C. Comment by clicking here. She'll take names, and then call them losers I beg of you, spare the ‘Children’ Release the hoards Brace yourself for a luxurious smile, and a big bill Speaking her mind by pushing his buttons She'll have another shot of mugs Polygamy may only get one season A picture is worth $1,000 for retouching Not cancer, still a big fat pain A text is worth 1,000 words Ready for some laughs again Now men don't have to work out either Hormones rule home of Princess and mom Add some oohing, cooing to your kitchen Tweeting puppy a perfect pet … for twerps Science fair spurs on hyper parents Cat naps aren't all that popular among felines Nightmare in the mall's dead zone America: Cut out the need to be cute Taking a page from a ‘Mad’ mother She's adding truth serum to her Cap'n Crunch Snuggie ensnares another victim, er, admirer Florida can keep its snakes She's homeless . . . but for $95 she can go home with your princess Southern fish experiencing identity crises Monkey baby big business for the small-minded All mommixed up? Try keeping toes in a breath-mint tin Thunder thighs finally get revenge Where would I be without the digested read? Butter buds: Julia and Celia Facebook is for ‘old’ people, too, missy Ch-ch-ch-changes Getting refreshment not berry smooth in age of mass marketing Reality show lowers her IQ to sub-dirt levels Cuddle parties are the latest weird trend Middle school is a whole new game and these players are vicious If the first lady can dig in the dirt, why can't I? Somehow, we've all lost our internal censors Not to rub it in, Barbie, but you're old Some things you probably don't need to know about your friends Big family, big ratings, big mess Fred Mertz for vice president Women and tools are like grease, water Runners are a different breed of folk altogether Don't get all bento out of shape For you, Princess? I'll buy junk Gwyneth P. needs big ol' reality check Reality show amuses yet repels viewer Spying on kid at summer camp awfully fulfilling Stars? Great outdoors? I don't think so Honesty in the name of fashion Perfect attendance award is for little, viral losers Trendy new ailment not for everybody What is wrong with the women today who marry insanely rich and talented men and then think they still have to cook? Shagadelic on the dance floor Ex-boyfriends can have the worst timing Little wonder many voters are confused Sound bites not easy in Southern I swear it's not my fault Celebrity news gets weirder, trumps all else Driver's license? Outta my way while I get `em Like taking Miley Cyrus tickets from a baby Driving under the influence of celebrity Hugged your Webkinz today? Hate mail spawned by humor columns ‘High School Musical’ rocks to the max! Where did latest ‘syndrome’ come from? Tell the truth, folks, we all love Paris' trauma and drama Tell the truth, folks, we all love Paris' trauma and drama Office gossip is protected free speech First-class corpse Song lyrics have only gotten dumber Talk to the clock because the ISP doesn't care Being a happy human vessel has its limits Who's not your daddy? Phoning for dazzlers Proper spelling begins at home Sick of the waiting room Road signs Halt your motion toward the lotion Sudoku's got my husband's number One short stack of smarts, please Spa me the kids IRS wants us to like it so much that it smacks of desperation Uniforms: Soul-sucking sameness Girls' pajama parties a little different now Welcome back for guilt-free manly man A big boo-hoo for disgraced celebs Girls' pajama parties a little different now When Bubbas and hoes are extra welcome Ageless icons can't escape their ages Gifts to kids' teachers make competitive moms antsy Kid bumper stickers sure not ‘terrific’ © 2007, The Sun News Distributed by Knight Ridder/Tribune Information Services

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