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Jewish World Review June 21, 2011 / 19 Sivan, 5771 And now for the important news .... By Argus Hamilton
http://www.JewishWorldReview.com | President Obama saw polls Friday that show him trailing in the presidential race behind a generic Republican. That's a Republican with no particular name, with no known beliefs, from no identifiable area. A police sketch artist couldn't draw a better likeness of Mitt Romney.
Paul McCartney will blast off this summer's On the Run rock tour with a concert at Yankee Stadium next month at the age of sixty-nine. Things have changed somewhat. The band and the groupies still do drugs in the backstage dressing room, only now there's a fifty dollar co-pay.
Arnold Schwarzenegger's maid on Tuesday revealed the identity of the son she had with him thirteen years ago. Family members saw their similarities. The boy began in the first grade with a twenty dollar a week allowance and in six years he ran it into a nine billion dollar deficit.
NFL players and owners met without lawyers to try to end the lockout Thursday as some players considered playing in Canada. They'd feel lost up there. NFL players would love the people up north but they'd have a great deal of difficulty adjusting to Canada's lack of handguns.
. The White House lobbied Members of Congress Friday in an effort to get enough votes to pass a budget compromise. Democrats can't afford to lose another vote on the House floor. Anthony Weiner just gave up his seat and it won't be filled until it's been thoroughly disinfected.
A United Nations refugee survey shows many illegal aliens come to the U.S. for the medical benefits. The U.S. gives out free mammograms, free testicular and cervical screenings and free prostate exams. All you have to do is walk through airport security like you're going someplace.
President Obama expanded his search on Friday for a new chairman of the White House Council of Economic Advisers to fix this recession. Yesterday he called India for tech support. They told him to turn the economy off for five minutes then turn it back on, and see if that helps.
President Obama met with departing Afghanistan commander David Petraeus Friday to hear his troop withdrawal options to meet the July deadline. The picture is grim. There's only one way to get out of Afghanistan, and that's to hope that the guy who predicted the Rapture is right.
Homeland Security warned luxury hotels in New York of a possible terror attack like the one they had in Mumbai. The warning was helpful. Whenever there's an emergency call to a luxury hotel in New York, police need to know whether to bring the bomb squad or the rape kit.
New Jersey public workers protested by the thousands Friday against Governor Chris Christie's reforms. They accused the governor of being a Nazi and called him Adolf Christie. If that's true, it's the first time anyone ever suggested that concentration camps had pension plans.
The Wall Street Journal reported Friday that AARP has reversed itself and backed cuts to Social Security benefits. Three hundred thousand people quit AARP when the group backed ObamaCare. If you don't think Baby Boomers know how to make a last stand, you should see how many of them still have their Davy Crockett caps upstairs in the attic at their parents' house.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements. Comment by clicking here.
© 2009, Argus Hamilton |
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