Jewish World Review June 6, 2011 / 4 Sivan, 5771
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
http://www.JewishWorldReview.com | New Jersey Governor Chris Christie used the state helicopter to get to his son's high school ballgame. It's no scandal. It isn't really news in politics unless he fathers the son by a hotel maid he attacked and then tweets his followers a picture of the baseball team in their underwear.
Moody's vowed to lower the U.S.'s credit rating if we don't cut government spending by July. Our generation's work is done. When the Baby Boomers took over this country twenty years ago America was the world's only Superpower, and in one month the country won't qualify for a car loan.
GOP Congressman Paul Ryan was urged by conservatives to run for president Wednesday as his proposed Ryan Plan to cut spending gained nationwide support. It spares nothing. If the Ryan Plan proposed any more cuts it would make circumcision mandatory in San Francisco.
President Obama met with House Republicans Tuesday and ripped them for undermining health care. The argument is real. House Democrats want a health care system based on the European model, except for Anthony Weiner who wants a European model based in Copenhagen.
Twitter sent every member of Congress a list of security tips Friday to protect their social network accounts. They offered three tips. Use a long password made up of letters and numbers, collect everyone's cell phones before they enter a room with you, and always keep your pants on.
U.S. Rep. Anthony Weiner admitted the lewd photo of a man's crotch may be him but insists he didn't send it. It caps a glorious career. He started as the youngest-ever New York City Councilman and ended as the oldest man in America who knows how to use a cell phone camera.
Anthony Weiner's wife Huma Abedin came to her husband's defense Friday. She works as Hillary Clinton's assistant in the State Department after starting out as an intern in the Clinton White House fifteen years ago. She cut her teeth in Washington politics fending off Weiner Jokes.
New York hotel maids demanded hand-held panic buttons Friday after a second maid was sexually assaulted by an international banker while cleaning his hotel room. It's starting to look like these men get aroused by the scent of Lysol. It must remind them of money-laundering.
Attorney General Eric Holder ordered the early release of thousands of federal prisoners incarcerated for crack cocaine convictions. It's an issue of fairness. It's just not right that crack cocaine puts you in prison and powdered cocaine puts you in Lindsay Lohan's next movie.
The Global Commission on Drug Policy released a report to the U.N. Friday advising the U.S. and all world governments to legalize pot, cocaine and heroin. This has enormous political implications. If Hollywood has to start paying taxes on drugs it could turn them into Republicans.
The Agriculture Department reported a super-toxic strain of E. coli bacteria in lettuce and tomatoes. Chalk it up to the new immigration laws. The illegal aliens had to leave Arizona so fast they didn't have time to teach U.S. citizens to wash their hands before picking the produce.
Massachusetts was hit by tornadoes near Springfield Thursday. The state has the highest number of recent college grads, but none were hurt. There's no place safer than a basement and that's where they've been living since they moved in with their parents after graduation.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements. Comment by clicking here.
© 2009, Argus Hamilton