Jewish World Review June 3, 2011 / 1 Sivan, 5771
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
http://www.JewishWorldReview.com | The World Health Organization issued a warning about cell phone use Tuesday. They said holding a cell phone next to your head may cause brain cancer. When Congressman Anthony Weiner got the news he checked to make sure that his health insurance covers testicular cancer.
U.S. Rep Anthony Weiner tweeted a photo of an aroused man in underwear to his followers Monday. He tweets porno actresses every day and lobbies for visas for foreign supermodels. Martin Sheen is going to adopt him so he has a back-up in case anything ever happens to Charlie.
Wall Street fell three hundred points Wednesday on news about low home sales and poor manufacturing reports and the low number of new jobs. It's going well. The New Dictionary of American Psychiatry states that the first step to curing depression is to re-name it a recovery.
U.S. Congresswoman Debbie Wasserman Schultz accused the Republicans Monday of trying to make it a crime to be an illegal immigrant. She sees a conspiracy. First Republicans want to say that illegal aliens are illegal, then next they're going to want to take away their voting rights.
Egyptian banker Abdul Omar was arrested in New York Monday for groping a hotel maid. Last week the IMF president was arrested for sexually assaulting a New York hotel maid. When Rudy Giuliani cleaned up prostitution in New York he never understood why the Hotel Workers Union opposed him.
The National Indian Gaming Commission said casino revenues held steady at twenty-five billion dollars this past year. New tribal casinos in Oklahoma are doing surprisingly well. Anybody watching the Weather Channel knows that just going to Oklahoma is gambling enough.
NFL owners refused comment on remarks by Adrian Peterson and Rashard Mendenhall Tuesday likening playing in the NFL to slavery. The NFL team owners never like to discuss details of their finances. If they free their slaves in their will it's nobody's business until they die.
Denver Broncos quarterback Tim Tebow released his autobiography Tuesday describing his evangelical faith and detailing his life. He's still a virgin and he plans to be celibate until he gets married. He's such a Puritan that children in Florida dress up like him on Thanksgiving.
Egypt's army admitted Monday that in March they dragged women away from democracy protests and did virginity tests on them. They were acting on orders from above. At the rate the Navy SEALs are killing terrorist leaders, Allah's having a hard time filling the quota for greeters.
The Titanic was memorialized Tuesday on the one hundredth anniversary of the famous liner's launch. Everyone believed it was unsinkable. At the time it was launched, the White House said if the stimulus is passed unemployment would never go above eight percent.
NATO announced Wednesday it will expand its role in Libya aimed at overthrowing Moammar Khadaffi. President Obama is changing the game plan. He thinks if he can overthrow a brutal Mideast dictator and capture the world's richest crude oil, he can be re-elected as a Republican.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements. Comment by clicking here.
© 2009, Argus Hamilton