Jewish World Review June 30, 2011 / 28 Sivan, 5771
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
http://www.JewishWorldReview.com | President Obama gave a speech in Iowa Monday and defended his legislative agenda. He's had to adjust with the times. His big applause line used to be that health coverage should be universal in a country that's as rich as America, and about a year ago it began getting big laughs.
Boston mobster Whitey Bulger told feds Tuesday he went to Tijuana with a fake ID to buy heart medicine while in hiding. They don't require prescriptions. Mexico said it's just another example of Americans sneaking into their country to take advantage of their health care system.
The L.A. Dodgers declared bankruptcy Monday as owner Frank McCourt appeared headed out the door. That night the Dodgers threw a shutout and scored fifteen runs. One hundred years from now, baseball managers will be quoting Vin Scully's Free at Last speech to the locker room.
Nancy Pelosi told reporters Monday Democrats have a chance of retaking the House next election. Congressional elections are like the world ping-pong championships. They happen every two years and you're pretty sure that whatever happens, either way, China is going to win.
Russian convicted a Russian double agent in absentia who told the CIA of the ten Russian spies disguised as New York suburbanites last year. We traded the ten spies to Russia for four U.S. spies they had. The U.S. can't even effect a spy swap without running up a sixty percent deficit.
Iran's military test-fired long-range missiles Tuesday which are able to reach both Israel and U.S. bases in the Mideast. What's next has been foreseeable for a long time. The reason there aren't any Iranians aboard the Starship Enterprise is because Star Trek is set in the future.
NASA reports an asteroid the size of a tour bus whizzed past Earth Monday night, averting collision by a few thousand miles. The space station crew had to take cover. It appears that Zeus has joined the Greek protesters and is throwing rocks at the International Monetary Fund.
Rod Blagojevich was convicted in Chicago Monday on seventeen counts of bribery, graft and racketeering. It's a miracle they got a jury to convict him. The history books they use in the Chicago school system list bribery, graft and racketeering among Thomas Paine's Rights of Man.
New York Governor Andrew Cuomo signed a bill into law allowing same-sex marriages in New York late Friday night, just an hour after it passed the Assembly. Thousands of men rallied in Times Square, hugging and kissing and high-fiving each other. They were divorce lawyers.
Charlie Sheen's girlfriend moved out of his house in Beverly Hills Tuesday, prompting him to invite two new ladies from Colombia and Mexico to move in. He makes no apologies for his crazy lifestyle, but then we all mean well. Charlie Sheen said no to drugs but they wouldn't listen.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements. Comment by clicking here.
© 2009, Argus Hamilton