Jewish World Review June 25, 2010 / 13 Tamuz 5770
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
Staples Center gave a ten thousand dollar check to an L.A. cab driver whose taxi was burned by the mob after the Lakers won. The cabbie was beaming. He won a radio contest for first car to be fully engulfed in flames and he never won anything before.
New Jersey's DeCavalcante crime family was profiled in a CNBC documentary this week called Mob Money. It's the family The Sopranos was based on. New Jersey is the only state where having a body in the trunk qualifies you to drive in the carpool lane.
General McChrystal was fired by the president for ripping White House policies in Rolling Stone. He didn't criticize everyone. He raved about Hillary Clinton's support for the troops in Afghanistan and her ability to get things done, and for that he must go.
General David Petraeus was named commander in Afghanistan Wednesday. Just last week he passed out in the U.S. Senate rather than answer a question on whether he supported President Obama's Afghanistan policy, and now he's in charge of it. Now if he can just faint whenever the Rolling Stone reporter shows up, he's got a job for life.
President Obama called British Prime Minister David Cameron in London Wednesday to tell him of McChrystal's firing. However, the prime minister was speaking with the Queen and couldn't be interrupted. Obama told the White House lawyers to find out if he has the authority to fire the Queen and if not, to issue an executive order.
The U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service shut down the dredging of sand berms intended to protect Louisiana from oil. They say the sand was taken from an island that's ecosensitive. All that mud and dirt belongs to the nation's Strategic Tabloid Reserve.
JP Morgan Chase made plans Monday to expand overseas where taxes are lower and regulations less. They said the three nations friendliest to banks are China, Russia and India. That's one communist country, one authoritarian country and one call center.
The White House vowed to order a new gulf oil-drilling ban Wednesday. The oil workers are non-union. Every time the United Oil Rig Workers come to Mississippi to organize, they must convince everybody they're not the same Union that burned Atlanta.
Labor Secretary Hilda Solis urged illegal aliens Tuesday to contact her office if they aren't being paid enough money. The administration never considers the side of the employers. It took five thousand Mexicans two weeks to conquer two hundred cowboys at the Alamo, revealing the problems you have when you pay people by the hour.
The Department of Health issued a warning about marijuana potency Monday. They say today's pot is much stronger than in the Seventies. It was only a matter of time before some ingenious marijuana grower thought of cross-breeding it with steroids.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements. Comment by clicking here.
© 2009, Argus Hamilton