Jewish World Review June 22, 2010 / 10 Tamuz 5770
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
McDonald's recalled twelve million Shrek drinking glasses Friday when the feds warned that they contained the carcinogen cadmium. The company's in real trouble. Barack Obama just ordered McDonald's to pay to replace all the barware in New Orleans.
BP's Tony Hayward testified about the oil spill to Congress on Thursday. Firing squads are more humane. They would have offered him a blindfold and a cigarette, but smoking's banned in the U.S. Capitol and the blindfolds are for the Treasury Department.
House Democrats took turns flogging BP's Tony Hayward in Thursday hearings. They really enjoyed it. Republicans fly to West Hollywood to go to a bondage club but when you're the majority party you can set one up right in the committee hearing room.
BP's Tony Hayward remained cool in Thursday's hearings under brutal questioning by House Democrats. They were out for blood. No one believed Tony when he claimed he had no idea that Reggie Bush's parents had been provided a free house in San Diego.
South Carolina Democrats considered Thursday whether to overturn Alvin Greene's primary election. He won't drop out. The voters nominated an unemployed accused sex offender, and like every American he dreams of someday being an employed sex offender.
New York's former governor Eliot Spitzer was in talks with CNN Friday to replace Larry King. The logistics for the network would be tough. For every hour that CNN gives to Eliot Spitzer they may have to grant equal time to anti-prostitution groups.
FBI files revealed Tuesday that Jack Kennedy and his brothers Bobby and Teddy hosted sex parties at the Hotel Carlyle while he was president. The orgies involved scores of women. If the Warren Commission had known about this they might have concluded Lee Harvey Oswald was just a jealous husband doing what jealous husbands do.
The House of Representatives voted to apologize for the U.S. renting slaves from local planters to build the U.S. Capitol two hundred years ago. There was no other way. They were fifteen hundred miles from Mexico and the railroad hadn't been invented yet.
Saudi Arabia's King Abdullah meets with President Obama at the White House next week. It's amazing that any oil man would still come. Every time an oil man comes to the White House the Secret Service frisks him, takes his wallet and runs up his credit cards.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements. Comment by clicking here.
© 2009, Argus Hamilton