Jewish World Review June 21, 2010 / 9 Tamuz 5770
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
World Cup crowds were ripped by doctors Thursday who said the buzzing vuvuzela horns were spreading germs throughout the stadium. Nothing can be done. The U.N. tried to set up a Clean Vuvuzela Exchange but the locals insist on sharing them to save money.
World Cup team hotel demands were reported in Johannesburg Monday. Argentina's coach demanded he be allowed to bring his own personal toilet with him to South Africa. Apparently not everybody is on board with the concept of integrated bathrooms.
Charlie Sheen's silver Mercedes-Benz was stolen and crashed last week. It was the second silver Benz stolen from his home and crashed this year. The economy's so bad even guys who make two million a show are committing insurance fraud to pay the bills.
The FBI released files saying that Jack Kennedy held sex parties at the Hotel Carlyle. In those days it was easier to keep secrets. If Jackie Kennedy had ever read JFK's text messages he would have been the only U.S. president assassinated twice.
Al Gore was reported Tuesday to be having an affair with Laurie David, the ex-wife of Larry David. The infidelity ended Gore's marriage. People have been blaming everything on George Bush for so long we forgot that some things could be blamed on Bill Clinton.
White House dinner crasher Michaela Salahi landed a role on the Real Housewives of Washington D.C. What a gal. She exposed the poor White House gate security at the state dinner for India and the next thing you know there was a state dinner for Mexico.
President Obama pressed BP into setting up a twenty billion dollar escrow fund Wednesday. It will act just like a government, taking from the rich and giving to the poor. He's just named Rod Blagojevich governor of the new state of Corruptopia.
House Minority Leader John Boehner's disclosure forms revealed he lost a fortune in BP stock. The reason he's so tan is he lost his shirt. Every time Boehner goes to Arizona to campaign for John McCain he risks being detained by police and deported to Mexico.
Barack Obama forced BP to pay oil rig workers during the deep sea drilling ban he imposed. They go to sea for a week, make a fortune, come back ashore for a week and blow it. They are like Somali pirates except now the White House boards the ships for them.
British Petroleum adopted Saudi Arabia's oil spill clean-up methods Wednesday and began burning the oil in the Gulf. The tourism troubles are over. Alabama and Mississippi can now advertise their beaches as an all-you-can-eat fried shrimp buffet.
President Obama was blasted in New York Tuesday for comparing the oil spill to the World Trade Center attack. He didn't mean to equate the murder of three thousand Americans to the plight of oily ducks. What he meant was that this is going to be his excuse to wildly expand the power of the federal government and to wiretap his enemies.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements. Comment by clicking here.
© 2009, Argus Hamilton