Jewish World Review June 18, 2010 / 6 Tamuz 5770
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
World Cup crowds in South Africa continued blowing incessantly on their plastic horns throughout the matches. The loud drone sounds just like the attack on Pearl Harbor. Everyone's excited because they think it means the depression is finally over.
Pakistan detained America's Gary Faulkner in Peshwar during his mission to kill Osama bin Laden. He had a Chinese pistol, hashish and a three-foot sword. It had everyone checking the record books to see what year he played for the Oakland Raiders.
Tiger Woods seeks his first major win in two years at Pebble Beach today. It's hard to stay on top nowadays. You have to work hard, stay healthy and you have to have a trainer who's willing to go to jail rather than testify about your urine sample.
The Food and Drug Administration heard testimony Tuesday from women who tested the effectiveness of a pill designed to make women sexually excited. The clinical testing did not go very well. Three women died trying to swallow a Jaguar convertible.
Al Gore was reported Tuesday to have begun an affair with Larry David's former wife Laurie David. She left Larry for their gardener last year and now the tabloids say she's left the gardener for Al Gore. To her credit she never cheated on the Earth.
British Petroleum put twenty billion in a Gulf damages fund Wednesday. It only goes so far. They're not going to pay out damages to every customer at Kentucky Fried Chicken just because they were traumatized by the sight of birds covered in oil.
Nancy Pelosi moved into her new San Francisco office, costing taxpayers eighteen grand per month. It's palatial. After she cut the ribbon to the office she announced that she's bypassing Prince Charles and making Prince William the next Speaker of the House.
President Obama badgered BP into funding a twenty billion dollar oil spill escrow fund Wednesday. He tanked the stocks of Big Oil, banks and insurance companies. A lot of Americans are thinking of investing in Iran because it's the only way he'll destroy it.
President Obama named Admiral Thad Allen in charge of cleaning up the Gulf oil spill. He directed the successful clean-up from Hurricane Katrina. How he tilted the country and rolled all the trouble to Houston was an engineering wonder for the ages.
London papers asked Barack Obama to stop calling BP British Petroleum. British Petroleum became BP when it merged with Amoco, which stood for American Oil Company. Barack Obama would never denounce British American unless he was on sodium pentothol.
In Tuesday's column I said O.J. Simpson started out at San Francisco State College. My thanks to the alert readers who pointed out that it was City College of San Francisco where he played his first two college football seasons. Simpson went on to glory at USC and the NFL and is now a marriage counselor in the Nevada prison system.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements. Comment by clicking here.
© 2009, Argus Hamilton