Jewish World Review June 16, 2010 / 4 Tamuz 5770
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
The World Cup took center stage Saturday when England played the United States to a one-one tie. The Americans scored when the English goalie let a U.S. kick slip right through his hands into the net. Everybody in Britain has got oil on their hands.
California teen Abby Sunderland was rescued in her sailboat in the Indian Ocean Sunday. Her disappearance cost the U.S. government a lot of money. President Obama has to buy commercial time to get on the cable networks whenever a young blonde girl goes missing.
South Carolina started a probe Monday into how Alvin Greene won the Democratic Senate nomination. He didn't bother to campaign and he's been arrested for showing pornography to a college girl. The guy acts like he's been in office for twenty years.
The Weather Channel aired video of heavy flooding in Oklahoma City Monday. The president gave his standard reaction. You add that much water to an oil state which is populated overwhelmingly by people of British ancestry, and it becomes BP's problem.
President Obama meets with British Petroleum officials Wednesday in Washington amid signs of progress. The oil company said they're catching six hundred thousand gallons of oil a day. Who knew that ducks were even more absorbent than Bounty Towels.
President Obama urged American tourists to visit the Gulf Coast on his trip to Mississippi and Alabama Monday. An air of defeat hangs everywhere. The Sons of Confederate Veterans just granted diplomatic recognition to the Offspring of Oil Men.
The White House worked with BP to set up an escrow account to pay the Gulf damage claims Monday. Escrow is the place where the money is held until the deal is completed. In Chicago, that's usually the left inside pocket of a senator's suit coat.
Moody's downgraded Greece's government bonds four notches to junk status Monday. Even that was being kind. No one wants to say that the paper is worthless, but Mr. Whipple was fired by Safeway Thursday for squeezing the Greek government bonds.
The Pentagon said Afghanistan is rich in lithium deposits which is the mineral used to power laptops and cellphones. Right on time. Every two years we try to fool the Afghans into believing that something's going to make them more money than heroin.
A California judge refused to suspend Michael Jackson's doctor Conrad Murray's license Monday. Why should he? Michael Jackson took any pain pill he wanted any time he wanted it, and today he is worth a billion dollars and he's in no pain at all.
The FBI revealed Monday that Teddy, Bobby and Jack Kennedy held sex parties in the early Sixties. No one tattled on them and no one suffered. There was a time in this country when a Democrat could go to confession and that would be the end of it.
Every weekday JewishWorldReview.com publishes what many in the media and Washington consider "must-reading". Sign up for the daily JWR update. It's free. Just click here.
JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements. Comment by clicking here.
© 2009, Argus Hamilton