Jewish World Review June 11, 2010 / 29 Sivan 5770
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
The PGA Tour proposed a new policy next year requiring star players to compete in more tournaments. The tour wants huge TV ratings. The golfers have offered to take turns crashing their cars into trees if they can avoid playing in the Quad Cities Open.
Apple unveiled its new iPhone Monday which features a front-facing camera for video chats. It could make a porno filmmaker out of everybody who buys one of these phones. So much for the last sector of California's economy that was still profitable.
British Petroleum stock fell to twenty-nine dollars a share Wednesday, having lost over eighty billion dollars in value. It's an emergency. On Louisiana beaches, volunteers were catching BP stockholders with nets and cleaning the red ink off them with towels.
South Carolina voters sent Nikki Haley into a runoff for the GOP nomination for governor. She was linked sexually to two men not her husband but it wasn't enough to defeat her. Southerners always rally to anyone who reminds them of Scarlett O'Hara.
California Attorney General Jerry Brown won the Democratic nod for governor on Tuesday. He was a two-term California governor in the Seventies. It was a time of drug epidemics, an unpopular president and a crisis with Iran, and so were the Seventies.
Senator Blanche Lincoln got help from Bill Clinton to win the Democratic party primary in Arkansas on Tuesday. Big Labor unions tried to beat her but Bill Clinton flew into the state and scooped her off the railroad tracks to save her just in the nick of time. She's happy for the victory even if she didn't like where he had his hand.
British Petroleum agreed to donate the money from oil scooped from the Gulf to wildlife rehab. It's changed sea water composition for awhile. Plastic surgeons in Beverly Hills now offer two different types of breast implants--silicone and Pennzoil.
Hollywood mogul David Geffen said Friday he can bring LeBron James to L.A. if he buys the Clippers because he and the free agent NBA superstar are close friends. LeBron says he wants to win a championship. In twenty years the only thing the Clippers have ever won is a free taco for guessing the final score of the Lakers game.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements. Comment by clicking here.
© 2009, Argus Hamilton