Jewish World Review June 9, 2010 / 27 Sivan 5770
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
White House press corps mainstay Helen Thomas was forced to retire on Monday after saying Jews should leave Israel and go back home to Germany. Ninety-year-old women have no filter over what they're really thinking. As long as Betty White is a nymphomaniac and not an anti-Semite she will host Saturday Night Live every year.
Tiger Woods hit three spectators with golf shots during the final round of the Memorial on Sunday. Somehow he ended up three-under-par. It's easy for Tiger Woods to keep score on each hole, he just looks back down the fairway and counts the wounded.
World Ocean Day marked the one hundredth anniversary of the birth of the famed oceanographer Jacques Cousteau Monday. He wouldn't recognize it today. When Jacques Cousteau explored the ocean it was an eco-system, today it's an energy drink for cars.
President Obama flogged British Petroleum Friday and ran down the value of oil stocks. He destroyed bank stocks, now he's going after oil stocks. Soon there won't be a single company in the nation that pays dividends unless the OctoMom incorporates.
President Obama assured the Gulf States of better days ahead Monday. He stated he wants to use the oil spill to make the area better. Wages in the oil industry are so good that some people are actually making more money than government employees.
George W. Bush told a crowd in Grand Rapids Friday he waterboarded Khalid Sheikh Mohammed and he'd do at again to save lives. He doesn't care that the confession is inadmissible in court. He just enjoyed reliving Hell Week at his college fraternity.
Journal Psychology published a study Monday on the effects of the recession on daily habits. It says during the recession the average person has lost an hour of sleep a night. The good news is, when you're not working you can take a nap in the afternoon.
Secretary of State Hillary Clinton sent Queen Elizabeth a birthday greeting from the government of the United States Friday, but she sent it a week too soon. The memory is first to go. Hillary's a Methodist and the Queen's birthday is the second thing taught in Methodist confirmation class right after Arnold Palmer's Golf Secrets.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements. Comment by clicking here.
© 2009, Argus Hamilton