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Jewish World Review
June 24, 2009
/ 2 Tamuz 5769
Reality show lowers her IQ to sub-dirt levels
By
Celia Rivenbark
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http://www.JewishWorldReview.com |
I started watching "The Real Housewives of New Jersey" because, honestly, my IQ was just way too high.
I mean seriously up there. What can I tell you? After watching every episode, I'm now officially as dumb as that brown, particlelike stuff you find outside and don't want to track inside the house. Rhymes with "wirt," I think.
It's nothing against the ""wives," two of whom are no such thing, which just exhausts me trying to figure that one out. Since when is a real "housewife" not even married? I don't get it. It would be like watching "Law & Order" and finding out the cops are really pole dancers and the lawyers are really electricians. I don't get it. Wait. I already said that didn't I? Who wants pie?
The housewives are completely diverse personalities, that is, if your idea of diversity is, every woman is loud, catty, big-haired or big-"bubbied" (that's their made-up word) or both and they make Fran Drescher's nasal "Nanny" sound like James Earl Jones.
There's Caroline, the matriarch who is kind of a low talker compared to the others. I can never quite make out what she's saying but it sounds a lot like: "If that whore lays her hands on my precious son, Albie, one more time, I'm going to dump her bony body in the Pine Barrens, I'm just saying, yada-yada, fuhgedaboutit, canolli."
To which her sister-in-law, Jersey wife, Jacqueline, the designated peacemaker of the bunch, will just say, "Anyways, who wants a mani-pedi and I really want to have a third baby despite the fact that I appear to binge-drink champagne in the middle of the afternoon. Anyways, don't judge me!"
Dina has a bored-by-it-all tone which makes me want to scream at her: "Nobody made you do this show, Blondie." Or maybe Caroline did. That's her big sis and she may have low-talk threatened her into it. Dina's one of the faux housewives. There is no Mr. Dina. She spends every episode sighing heavily and talking about how she doesn't have time for all the drama. Uh-huh.
Formerly flat-chested Teresa spent the first four episodes talking about how her simpleton husband, Joe, liked her the way she was and that was good enough for her.
But that doesn't make for interesting TV, so fast-forward to Joe instructing the plastic surgeon that Teresa should get the "full C's." Which she does. And now she no longer weeps while trying on bikinis with the girls in Atlantic City. Oy vey. And finally, there's faux wife Danielle, whom the others hate because she's kind of skanky and they are ALL a class act so it's middle school all over again except with way too much leopard print furniture. So, yes, I are much dumber now than when I started. Mission accomplice.
Every weekday JewishWorldReview.com publishes what many in the media and Washington consider "must-reading". Sign up for the daily JWR update. It's free. Just click here.
Celia Rivenbark is an award-winning news reporter and freelance columnist for The Sun News in Myrtle Beach, S.C. Comment by clicking here.
Cuddle parties are the latest weird trend
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Reality show amuses yet repels viewer
Spying on kid at summer camp awfully fulfilling
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Honesty in the name of fashion
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Trendy new ailment not for everybody
What is wrong with the women today who marry insanely rich and talented men and then think they still have to cook?
Shagadelic on the dance floor
Ex-boyfriends can have the worst timing
Little wonder many voters are confused
Sound bites not easy in Southern
I swear it's not my fault
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Like taking Miley Cyrus tickets from a baby
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Hugged your Webkinz today?
Hate mail spawned by humor columns
High School Musical rocks to the max!
Where did latest syndrome come from?
Tell the truth, folks, we all love Paris' trauma and drama
Tell the truth, folks, we all love Paris' trauma and drama
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First-class corpse
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Talk to the clock because the ISP doesn't care
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Who's not your daddy?
Phoning for dazzlers
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Sick of the waiting room
Road signs
Halt your motion toward the lotion
Sudoku's got my husband's number
One short stack of smarts, please
Spa me the kids
IRS wants us to like it so much that it smacks of desperation
Uniforms: Soul-sucking sameness
Girls' pajama parties a little different now
Welcome back for guilt-free manly man
A big boo-hoo for disgraced celebs
Girls' pajama parties a little different now
When Bubbas and hoes are extra welcome
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Gifts to kids' teachers make competitive moms antsy
Kid bumper stickers sure not terrific
© 2007, The Sun News Distributed by Knight Ridder/Tribune Information Services
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