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Learn the secret to a healthy marriage from a scriptural villain
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If the statistics are to be believed, more than half of all marriages these days will end in divorce. That this situation is tragic is indisputable. But can anything be done to reverse the trend?
The answer, fortunately, is a resounding "yes". There are experts. There are their books, their CDs, their videos. And then there is Korach, who led the infamous rebellion against Moses and attempted to divide and destroy his "family" of community while lusting for power.
Ancient Korach can help put an end to the destruction of contemporary homes and families? Indeed he can, if we fine-tune our reading of — and internalize the lessons transcribed in — this week's Torah portion.
 The very first word of the narrative describing Korach's rebellion speaks of the antagonist "taking". It is left to the various commentaries — and there are many — to describe just what it was that Korach actually took. But the word choice was no accident. By mentioning Korach's "taking" so early on in the reading, the Torah was stressing that this trait was one of his defining characteristics; that knowing this is something needed to fully grasp the sorry episode. In a penetrating essay in his "Strive for Truth", Rabbi Eliyahu Eliezer Dessler (1892- 1953) writes that society is, essentially, divided into two types of people. There are "givers" and there are "takers". While every person must give and take during his lifetime, as we all need things from others and we all wish to give to others, some people are inherently "givers." Even when they take, it is only in order to give. Most people, though, are inherently "takers." Even when they give, it is only in order to take. Korach was the prototypical "taker." He had it all — indeed, there's actually an old Yiddish expression describing the very wealthy as "rich as Korach" — yet he was never satisfied. And Korach would do whatever was necessary to achieve his goals, be it wealth or power. While it is true, as we mentioned, that at times circumstances force one to take from others, even then, doing so can be turned into an opportunity to give. How so? What happens when one giver gives to another giver? Inevitably, the giver becomes a taker. Therefore, Rabbi Dessler adds a third category, the receiver.
The receiver receives from other givers what they wish to give and, in return, reasserts his role as a giver by saying "thank you". Expressing appreciation converts every act of receiving into an act of giving. By doing so, you have given a heartfelt expression of goodwill to the other. In this way, one can make his life into an emulation of the Divine Himself, the ultimate Giver, Who has no need for anyone or anything else, yet He created this world in order to be able to give. Everything that exists and happens in the world is a direct result of His giving.
So what does this have to do with failing marriages? Rabbi Dessler explains further that, even in his time, people were increasingly becoming takers, not givers. It takes work to turn oneself and one's attitude into one of true giving. There are people who enter into marriage but are unfortunately unable to shake themselves free of the power of taking, and even their natural instincts cannot turn them into "givers." The creating of a lasting relationship between husband and wife will only arise when both practice an attitude of giving. This is a point that cannot be overemphasized to singles (and even reminded to those who are married) in today's world, one of total "taking." Marriage means giving. In order for a marriage to succeed (and to last for the long term), it must be built on the premise that each person is in it to give to the other. Of course, one will receive as well, but it must be as a "receiver," not a "taker." In fact, as has been noted many times, the root of the Hebrew word for "love", ahava, is hav, or "give". Many people have the attitude that marriage is essential because of the various personal benefits derived from it. Whether conscious of it or not, during the dating process such a person is constantly thinking to himself, "What can this person do for me?" A person with this attitude will not last long in marriage. When his/her partner does not seem to be "living up to expectations," the marriage will painfully dissolve. It is our responsibility to train our children to be "givers." They should not be allowed to merely "take" — here is the car, here is the credit card, here is some money — with little or no appreciation or positive expression of gratitude in return. This fosters an attitude that life is about "taking," and it most certainly carries over into marriage. Even as youngsters, our children, as somebody's future marriage partner, should be encouraged to become givers — to participate in acts of kindness, in helping others, in understanding that life is about emulating the Divine, Who created the world solely to give. We must not be caught in the trap of Korach, one of endless and selfish taking, where one has everything he needs but still "needs" more. By fostering an attitude of giving amongst ourselves and our children, we not only emulate our Creator, but we give ourselves and our children the best tools for a successful and happy marriage. Rabbi Yoni Posnick is a columnist for the Monsey, New York based weekly, Yated Ne'eman.
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