Jewish World Review June 25, 2009 / 3 Tamuz 5769
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
President Obama signed the bill regulating tobacco as a drug Monday. He himself promised his wife two years ago he would quit smoking if he ran for president. And now he has to take her to Paris for dinner twice a month to keep her from leaving him.
The Montreal Canadiens were bought by the Molson Beer family Monday. This will put hockey back on TV. Einstein tinkered with nuclear fission because he was afraid of what might happen if he mixed the violence of hockey with the strength of Canadian beer.
Iran's ayatollah insisted that Mahmoud Ahmadinejad was re-elected by sixty-six percent Monday when exit polls showed that to be a statistical impossibility. The numbers just don't add up. It's why President Obama favors a college football playoff.
Crown Prince of Iran Reza Pahlavi backed the protesters in Tehran. His family was overthrown by a violent protest in the Seventies. Thirty years later it is impossible to describe the depth of the hostility some people felt toward disco.
Iran's police fired live bullets into the air on Monday to try to break up all the street protests. They were aiming very carefully as they fired into the air. They didn't want to hit any of the virgins waiting for them in case the protesters win.
Great Britain evacuated the Tehran Embassy of its staff and their families on Monday but the British diplomats themselves insist on staying at their posts. None of these people want to be sent home to London. There are fewer angry Muslims in Iran.
The Empress of Iran, Farah Pahlavi, encouraged Iran's street protesters to carry on. The Shah's widow splits her time between Paris and Beverly Hills with her fellow exiles. They mark their deliverance from the revolution every year with a ceremony in which they tell their kids about the Miracle of the CIA Helicopter.
Iranians used Twitter to report on protests. The world's so connected now. The Ayatollah stopped promising suicide bombers that virgins would greet them in heaven after David Letterman nearly got fired for mentioning teenage girls and sex.
Billy Joel dodged reporters and ducked cameras when news of his third divorce was reported. He ran to his car. If a newly-divorced man is totally alone in a forest and he makes a statement without his wife being there, is he still wrong?
The U.S. Senate passed a resolution which apologized for America's past history of slavery. It's such hypocrisy. Slavery would have been peacefully and quietly replaced by illegal immigration if South Carolina hadn't been so trigger happy.
Hillary Clinton fractured her right elbow as she was leaving her home in Washington D.C. for the White House. She'll be okay. With the help of a strength coach and personal trainer she'll learn how to throw a lamp at her husband left-handed.
President Obama was ripped by animal rights activists for killing a fly during a TV interview. It was grim. He slapped it barehanded and it fell dead to the Oval Office carpet, where it lies next to the president of GM and three Inspector Generals.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements. Comment by clicking here.
© 2009, Argus Hamilton